If you know somebody that's a Libra, give them a pound today. Michael Jordan, otherwise known as THE BEST WRITER ALIVE, is celebrating a birthday today, oh my brothers and sisters. In memoriam of his dead Myspace blog and the success of this weird, savage undertaking that you are now reading, he decided to post one for nostalgia's sake. I mean, KANYE WEST might be reading it, or at least some great writers from around the globe. Might as well flex some mental muscle from MJ's Think Tank.

This one was called "The Birthday Blog." It was posted two years ago on Tom's Rupert's social networking site. Since we're two years past, I went ahead and updated it for flow and maturity. Enjoy it like it's the last blog you'll ever read.





As hard as I tried not to do this, I broke down 30 seconds ago and decided to write a blog on my birthday. My honest intention was to just clog the Bulletin Board with announcements and irritate people the way they do me everyday. I figured this one time it was for a good cause; those bastards never mind asking me to "CLICK HERE TO SEE MY TITS!", so I don't mind telling everybody that I was born 100 years ago today. At least that's what my profile should say if it's working. How old am I really? Well, I'll admit to being old enough to have finished college (which I haven't), old enough to have put 10 years in the music/media business, wise enough to know that kicking a dead horse won't make it trot and young enough to get carded faithfully when ordering a drink.

Some of the things I've learned thus far are listed below, in no particular order:

- Family is most important. True friends are family, and everyone else is an outsider.

- Women will get you killed.

- The truth is a joke. Try telling a Republican that they're ruining the world. I bet they laugh.

- Never plan your day around someone else's schedule. I've been telling myself that for 12 years, and it's finally kicked in, giving me the ability to feel great about being self-centered and to stop worrying about anyone else's actions.

- You don't necessarily have to put God first. He/She is first anyway, and you're going to figure it out the hard way unless you embrace the grand reality of life.

- I'm the best writer alive. And yes, I mean it.

- Some people never change, for better or worse.

- With the exception of what we call "Kush", Drugs are Bad. Mmkay?

- Most people don't read. They just look at the paper and criticize the pictures.

- You can't work for someone who can't pay you.

- Politics are important, because if you have to put up with liars, you have to pick the ones who are most sincere.

- For some reason, Black people are a threat. Don't ask me why.

- The music industry doesn't exist, like the Mafia or the illuminati.

- Sex cures anything. Except STDs.

- Having musical talent can and will save your life.

- Gossipping men are most likely perpetual masturbators. Eventually they run out of friends and sympathizers.

- Celebrity Blogs are like right-wing radio: destroying our collective conscience day after day after day...

- By the time you read this, I'll be tipsy off some high quality red wine. Spoil yourself; no one else will.

- You have to find something to live for before you start considering what you'd die for.

- Capitalism has good and bad points, but it's still a better system than anything other current model.

- People think that love is about sacrifice, but it doesn't have to be. It could simply and purely be about love, if you think about it.

- Grudges will get you nowhere, but not all things should be forgiven easily.

- You can't compete with someone who doesn't see you as competition.

- There are some moments, people and incidents that you never get over. In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets.


- I'm Free.


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