CHESTER IS ALIVE

Tony Alamo, a man of the cloth, has been watching too much Sesame Street, it seems; thus, his career as an epostle of the Lawd IS OFFICIALLY DEAD. He has been arrested for being a weird pervert, but this is far from the first time. Alamo was convicted of tax-related charges in 1994 and given a four-year prison sentence, after the IRS claimed that he owed $7.9 million to the government. Prosecutors argued during the trial that he was a flight risk, a polygamist and a weirdo, who not only prayed for forgiveness but also preyed on married women and young girls in his flock.





According to his beliefs and theology, a woman is ready to marry at the point of puberty. It says so in the bible, according to whatever chapter he's read. He and his now deceased wife Susan founded a Christian ministry in 1969. When she died in 1982, he KEPT HER IN THE BASEMENT, asking his followers to pray over her displayed body so that she would rise like Lazarus. Wow.





This most recent arrest occurred at the hands of the F.B.I., at his cult compound in Arkansas five days after his 74th birthday:

On September 20, 2008, federal and state investigative agents raided the Arkansas headquarters of the ministry as part of a child pornography investigation. This investigation involved allegations of physical abuse, sexual abuse and allegations of polygamy and underage marriage. According to Terry Purvis, mayor of Fouke, Arkansas, his office has received complaints from former ministry members about allegations of child abuse, sexual abuse and polygamy since the ministry established itself in the area. In turn, Purvis turned over information about the allegations to the FBI. Alamo denied the child abuse allegations. On September 25, 2008, Alamo was arrested by Arizona police and FBI agents in Flagstaff, Arizona on charges that he transported minors over state lines for sexual activity in violation of the Mann Act.

SOURCE: WIKIPEDIA

Here's a video of how Alamo, pronounced "A-Lame-O" by the Fox News personality interviewing him, believes that the Lawd will deliver him from the wickedness of the world, and how women shouldn't yap their stupid mouths off.





Jesus, what evil hath men done in thy name? R.Kelly wears Jesus pieces on the regular, and he pees on any pre-pubescent Punky Brewster he pleases. Nobody complains, and his star stock actually rises. He can even get on TV and come across as Chesterly as ever, taking no responsibility for anything he may have done while asking heaven for a hug.





But that's still not enough. Did you know he started a business selling sequined denim jackets under his own name, and his failure to report his revenues to the IRS would land him in prison for tax evasion? I mean, what kind of pervert makes his living selling stonewashed and airbrushed denim? No wonder he was ashamed of claiming his earnings.





Catholic priests have been fondling a lot more than their own balls and bibles, oh my brothers and sisters. Some, it seems, may secretly use their Rosary beads on themselves, if you follow. Then you have the whole "gay marriage" debate, which in my opinion is not worthy of any debate. Civil unions are just fine with me, but marriage is and should always be used for lovers of the opposite sex. This is not a religious issue; it's a natural one. I thought that one of the major reasons to get married was so that your child would not have to go through life with the title of "illegitimate." But now that's all dead, and the children are going to be raised by couples made of husbands and wives that can ask axe each other, "How's it hanging, honey?" How do all of the fatherless bastards of today feel about this, I wonder?





This is what happens when we condemn sex as an ungodly act. Not only do people go underground with their weirdness and freaky ambitions, but the criminals become the equals of people who aren't even committing crimes. I just hope that the true believers out there take this as a message and start getting serious about cleaning up their churches--from the inside out. Nolo.

I wonder who's gonna be next?

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 39 - MCCAIN'S PAIN

I have to apologize to my readers, because now I get what's happening, and as of right now, I'm taking the bait. So this will be the last time I write an entire post about what the hell is or isn't going on with this. But for now, I have two separate theories as to why Senator John McCain chose Governor Sarah Palin as his VP candidate.


1. Either McCain hit it when Palin visited him on a LATE NIGHT SECRET FLIGHT to Arizona last week, and she put that thang on him so badly that he gave her a key to a room in the White House for some late-night creep action in 2009,


OR...


2. McCain is spitting in the face of the Obama campaign, saying with subtlety that since OBAMA IS A CELEBRITY, the Republikkkan party can create it's own star, while still having a balanced ticket with a Senate veteran, just like the Dems. Except, the roles would be reversed.

The argument sounds like this. If Biden beats Palin in the VP debates, that means nothing, because, historically, no one votes for a VP anyway. Plus, she's just a politically made celebrity, so it's no big deal if she can't overcome any expectations.

The GOP probably thinks that this neutralizes Senator Obama. They think he has no experience, so they got someone with even less experience than zero. So now, the fight is between Biden and McCain. Both are long standing U.S. senators, and both have a wealth of foreign policy and government experience. But since Biden is not the presidential candidate, it makes Obama look bad, I guess.


All of that is a crazy gamble, but it still doesn't knock down the biggest question:

Is this the best person McCain could find to be president after him, in case he's not available? And if it isn't (and let's be honest - it isn't), what does that say about his judgment?

Seriously, I think he hit it.

THE REPUBLICKINS' SECRET TO LONG LIFE

Look, it's my job to pay attention, ok? While you were sleeping, I've been noticing that these GOP dinosaurs never seem to die like natural human beings. Like, I think George H.W. Bush is 665 years old, on the low. It might be a rule that once you become down with them, you become one of the undead and have to drink the blood of innocent Shi-Tzus, stolen from gay liberal couples, to achieve everlasting life and help Satan to endlessly steal presidential elections. Truth be told, I used to think Republickins were secretly the descendants of dragon-lizards that once dwelled in moist caves, ate runaway squirrels and wiped their arses on nearby stalagmites. But no, my brothers and sisters...

Courtesy of Ernest Borgnine, a recent tv guest of Fox & Friends, This is why Republickins live for thousands of years:





For the record, I totally believe him. He looks like he hasn't seen female loins since Prohibition. The question is, using the borrowed logic that sexual pleasure is good for the mind, body and soul, shouldn't a person live even longer if they actually had a partner - preferably of the opposite sex - with whom they could have intercourse? Or is it really the process of rubbing one out that makes the difference?

I think it's much simpler. Republickins are wankers who never make contact with other humans, so they avoid the germs. What a bunch of weird losers.

AIDS: BACK FROM THE DEAD

Nobody wants to talk about this, but Americans and especially minorities are still getting burnt and worse from unprotected sex. And Hip-Hop needs to step up its involvement in community health awareness before rappers have to start doing shows in quarantined city neighborhoods and free health clinics. Your favorite killer disease, AIDS, has come back from the dead to destroy your mind, body and soul.

Advocacy groups say new government estimates will show at least 35 percent more Americans are infected with the AIDS virus each year than the government has been reporting.

Government officials acknowledge they are revising the estimate, which they say is not yet complete.

But advocates are pushing for the government to release the number now. They say that the delay may be partly political, and that it's hurting prevention funding.

SOURCE: ASSOCIATED PRESS/CNN

Sorry to take away from your laughter or light-heartedness while visiting, but I just wanted to send a friendly reminder that STDs are still out chea and still very deadly and contagious. Every time I ride through Birmingham, I see a big-ass downtown billboard (that should be promoting cheeseburgers or real estate or some new movie) saying that syphillis is running rampant through the area. Which means that you literally can't fuck around out there in B'Ham, or anywhere else if you want to be safe.



[I bet Photobucket deletes this image. If so, I'll put another one up by the end of the day. Damn, I hate being censored...]


See, the logic in my mind always told me that condoms are too damn thin to be taken seriously, and they do pop every now and then. This means that even if you tried to protect yourself, there's always a chance that you might end up catching herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, HPV, Hepatitis or even HIV from a one-nighter with some fool you don't know very well. Now, I'm not saying to avoid using condoms; any protection is better than none, but not even a condom can keep you from catching crabs. Those little critters don't need to get past a condom to give you the blues. I consider myself very lucky to have never experienced the crustacean movement.

Seriously, I know it's still summer, and people are still having sensual seductions. And it won't be for another month or so that people will start settling down with a significant boo in time for autumn, which is the most romantic season of the year. But you might want to go ahead and start slowing down now, just to be ahead of the curve.

Don't say I didn't try to told you. And don't act like you're blind to the pandemic. It'll only keep getting worse.

MALE SPIDERS ARE RAPISTS

Scientific researchers at the University of Aarhus (?) have made a brilliant discovery - one whose announcement is sure to spread like cobwebs in the circles of internet-saavy spiders. Female arachnids, beware: your men are out chea boning unsuspecting potential mates by playing dead and stealing the ass.





Hell, at least the spiders don't have to live in Darfur these days, for God's sake. Then not only would such savage spiders rape the ladies, they might just kill them and the kids, then burn it all down on the way to the next unfortunate victim.

So don't you PETA pricks get mad at me if you see me in the woods squashing the shit out of some tarantula or black widow. He might be the "Chester" that sodomized Charlotte.


CLICK HERE for the article.


"I'm gunnin' for your spouse, tryin' to send that bitch back to her maker, and if you've got a daughter older then 15, I'm a rape her, take her on the living room floor, right there in front of you, then ask you seriously, what you wanna do?"
DMX - "X is Coming" (nolo)

FRIDAY THE 13th: NBC's TIM RUSSERT (R.I.P.) vs. R. KELLY

There was a subtle divide between intellectuals and philistines today on Atlanta radio. I was running errands in Atlanta this afternoon, and around 4pm, when I’m usually listening to “All Things Considered” on NPR, I suddenly had an urge to tune in to V-103.

Ryan Cameron, my old boss and mid-day radio personality for V-103, was talking to Johnny Gill. We won’t get into that right now, but I’ll post the audio if I can find it, because Ryan slipped in [NOLO] a few subliminal jokes while interviewing Eddie Murphy’s new best friend (sorry, Arsenio). Hilarious, I must say.





As he wrapped up the Johnny Gill interview, Ryan announced that the R. Kelly verdict was expected to be announced at any moment, so everyone should stay tuned. So I flipped back to NPR, because I know that “any moment” in radio means at least ten minutes. Back on the brain-worthy side, the voices of NPR were talking about THE DEATH OF TIM RUSSERT. I was like, “Whoa! Ol’ dude from ‘Meet the Press?’ Nah…” But yeah. Russert, only fifty-eight years old, died on Friday the 13th of an apparent heart attack. Life is stranger than fiction, and the profession of journalism is harder than life, maybe harder than Lexington Steele [NOLO]. No Terrance Dean.

But seriously, I always thought Tim Russert was the next Lil' Wayne of journalism. His steelo was always to confront people in subtle ways, so that the viewer or reader could decipher some truth out of all of the lies that politicians tell on a regular basis. He was obviously a Democrat, but he played it pretty fair throughout his career, as far as trying to seem bipartisan. Check this out:


Russert, 54, is a lawyer who started out as a Democratic political operative, signing on with Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan and gradually developing a reputation for devastating effectiveness at shaping coverage. He once leaked word to two reporters that the senator's Republican opponent had distorted his own military record, knocking the candidate out of the race and prompting the New Yorker magazine to observe that the man had been "russerted." In 1984, Russert made the jump to network news as a mid-level executive.
SOURCE: Washington Post


I’m sure that, if I looked hard enough, I’d find some shit he’s said or insinuated that I wouldn’t like. But who cares now. I’m sure Russert never saw his early death coming, especially in one of the most exciting political seasons ever. He was getting plenty of work all around television as one of the hardest interviewers in the game. And now, he’s dead, like many potential game-changers before him who were called back to the essence before the human race was ready to let him go. “Wow,” I thought, as I listened and realized that one of the major players in journalism was gone, just like that.

So I flip back to V-103, right before the announcement of the biggest story in negro news. Sure enough, as I predicted, The Pied Piper got off, exonerated of all charges. Pedophiles, urinators and statutory rapists – rejoice!! You just got another reason to continue to do you.





So the question is, who owned the day? Will this day be remembered as the day that Tim Russert, renowned journalist, passed away untimely? Or will it forever be known as “Kelly Day?” Which outcome is the weirdest?

You be the judge. I’ll be the executioner.

HEAD: DEAD OR ALIVE?

I’m a little distracted. I’m watching Donna Brazile on Anderson Cooper (nolo) 360, giving commentary on the newest debate between Barack Obama and … uh… I forgot, but Ms. Brazile (if ya nasty) has my heart racing. Forgive me if this one gets a little freaky, but I started thinking about oral sex for some reason, and I have a question I'd like for you to ponder, in the hope of making a point.

The question is quite simple. If you had the choice of your preferred method of sexytime with the partner of your choice, assuming that you are looking for the opposite sex, what is your favorite? I’ve been pondering this one for a long time, and it comes up (nolo) in conversation on the reggie. In my opinion, nothing is more safe or moral than decapitation. You know it as head. Not to go pr0n on you, but the truth is that sex is natural; sex is good. No George Michael. I’m just saying that not only men but women also enjoy the metaphysical phenomenons known as Fellatio Alger or Cunnilingus Rice. But I can recall a time when I was younger, when girls would swear up and down that they weren’t down with the get-down. The reasons girls gave for this were usually as follows:





Now that I'm past the age of 25 and I spend time talking to women, not girls, they don’t seem so aggy about it. I’ve noticed that once women cross the sands of time and get college degrees or fatherless children of their own, they don’t have such a hard time with free trade. (Chuckle.) When you are old enough to be responsible for your own car insurance and have an ID that says, “I can get into the old folks club,” you hear life through a new set of ears. Women say things closer to this:





So you can imagine my dumbfounded mental state when I finally decided to do a lil’ research and found some disturbing statistics. It looks like the kids are way ahead of us, and as the world turns, they’re turning into booty freaks. Here’s the gist.

Supposedly – gasp! – teenagers are into sex. And they’re having it all kinds of ways. Below you can check out statistics provided by William Saletan of Slate.com. Remember, this is his quote, and I’m not co-signing until I’m done reading the report. I’m just too lazy and comfy to investigate fully right now. If you want to scan through the details for confirmation, please do you. I’mma do me!





“There's no delicate way to put this, so I'll just quote the survey report: ‘For males, the proportion who have had anal sex with a female increases from 4.6 percent at age 15 to 34 percent at ages 22–24; for females, the proportion who have had anal sex with a male increases from 2.4 percent at age 15 to 32 percent at age 22–24.’ One in three women admits to having had anal sex by age 24. By ages 25 to 44, the percentages rise to 40 for men and 35 for women. And that's not counting the 3.7 percent of men aged 15 to 44 who've had anal sex with other men.”


Word to T-Pain: NO-LO; NO-Lo, No-lo, no-lo!
More below:


“According to data released earlier this year by the Centers for Disease Control, the probability of HIV acquisition by the receptive partner in unprotected oral sex with an HIV carrier is one per 10,000 acts. In vaginal sex, it's 10 per 10,000 acts. In anal sex, it's 50 per 10,000 acts. Do the math. Oral sex is 10 times safer than vaginal sex. Anal sex is five times more dangerous than vaginal sex and 50 times more dangerous than oral sex. Presumably, oral sex is far more frequent than anal sex.”


To be fair, the author was actually trying to take the conservative high road after that last sentence, but I’m an excellent editor. I use what I need and throw away the rest, as long as I’m pleased. Sorry. In this case, I didn’t feel as if more needed to be repeated; head is good, and if people are going to be freaks, it’s better for our health care system and our ideals of reciprocated love for us to go oral instead of anal. Conservatives can be correct sometimes, when you decode their dookey.

But back to the issue; is this where the kids are heading? Is Soulja Boy Tellem responsible for this ass-pokery, or is it B2K and Chris Stokes? Can you blame all these oily, shirtless rappers that Interscope loves to promote? Hell, they know that everybody may not have breasts or a vagine, but we all have assholes and opinions. That doesn’t make either of them worth exploiting for personal pleasure or perversion. I don’t condone teen sex, but when I was a teen, I was getting busy, as you should have been. To me, natural sex includes V.O. That means vaginal and oral, and maybe a little Seagrams. I’m not telling teenagers to get more head, but I am telling them to chill on their A-game. It’s more likely to land you a disease, make your dong really stink and create a bad sensation within the soul. You don’t want that. You want decapitation. Head saves lives. Make sure you’re setting a good example for the future, oh my brothers and sisters.


Ain’t no shame. Don’t say I never tried to told you something good.