RACISM AIN'T DEAD YET...

Before you go all Obama/Dr. King/Biggie Smalls crazy with the rest of your holiday weekend, I just thought I'd come back to say hello and burst your bubble with regards to race relations in America, and specifically in the south.

Absolutely 100% true story:


Last night, after doing research for the job, I went to my old bar hangout in Marietta, GA. It's called Churchill's Pub. You don't normally see a lot of black folks in and out of there, but they do come through. I get treated like some sort of celebrity by the staff and owners, simply because I've weathered 2 years of coming in consistently. Working across the street at another bar made it accessible, and the fact that they have really good food, free wi-fi and would let you order a pitcher of beer for yourself were enough to keep me coming, even though I would sometimes sense race hate from the other side of the bar. Which I never pay much attention to anyway, but sometimes I would actually engage the people directly with a sarcastic smile and a knowing look.

It wasn't that way last night, but there was this dude that I know pretty well from seeing him there a lot, sometimes with his mom and dad. He was hanging out with this guy that looked like he was born in a hunting jacket; like he literally fell out of a deer's coochie one morning, reached for a rifle and shot his own mother dead. This guy was short, pudgy and had extremely wild eyes -- probably from meth of coke or... who knows -- and did all he could to get my attention when he played "99 Problems" by Jay-Z on the Rhapsody jukebox. I gave him a salute and even played along with him when he shouted out the lyrics to the part of the song where the officer is talking to Jay. You know: "Cuz I'm young, and I'm black/and my hat's real low/do I look like a mind reader, sir?/I'ont know..."

This is ironic, because 20 minutes later, as I walk over to say what's up to the other homie, he meets me in front of the jukebox, like, "Are you gonna play some shit!!@?? (drunk as hell). I was like, "Um... yeah!?" And he was then like, "YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" So I guess that meant we were cool. It had to mean he had established some type of relationship with me, at least in his mind, because not 5 minutes later, as I'm looking through the web, he does the irritating thing which people always do when I take my computer into a public place -- ask if I'll go to some stupid website or YouTube video. This time, I said "Sure," and actually found this really cool site that showcases a local artist who lost his arm or something and draws completely with his mouth. So I say to him, "That's actually cooler than I expected it to be, my man." And he says, "OH!!! YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING COOL?!??!@@#%?! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, MAN!!*#!"

That's when he pulls out his phone and shows me how he won last year's Halloween costume at a neighborhood party.





I actually got the guy to send that picture to my email address. That's really him. Now, if you're white and reading this, you might be thinking, "Aww, come on, Mike. That's not really racist! It's just a harmless joke! Stop being so damn sensitive and taking all the fun out of something that's not even that big a deal..."

True, true. Sounds great, but what was I supposed to say about the picture of his black dog, who he called his "down-ass nigger" and bragged about how well-trained he is, and why I'd love him, and why I should come over to their house to get really drunk(er) with the whole backwoods family.





I politely declined, shook my head a little and laughed. Finished my drink, turned back to him and asked a very simple question:

"So, did you vote for Obama?"

He said no.

I paid out my tab, walked over to the bartender and gave her a hug, tipped my waitress, threw the deuces to our shared homie, and after putting on my long, black winter coat and throwing my Macbook back into my leather shoulder bag -- looking like a future black senator, I might add -- I extended my hand to shake that of my new, ignorant-to-his-own-racism friend and said:

"You're actually a cool cat, besides your bullshit. Hope you think twice about your picture and the N-bomb in the future. Oh, and happy MLK day."

KNOWING WHEN TO QUIT IS DEAD

This vid that I copped from Failblog.com is funny as hell and I think you should watch it as an introduction piece before I go into this next post:





I guess I'm posting it because it seems like the reporter should have used his common sense and not gotten in the way of an unstoppable force. He looked like the swaggering, confident sports journalist when the vid begins, but alas; he loses his standing, is sent spinning out of control and lands on his American ass.

Then he has the nerve to try to sound "cool" (get it--snow!) while laying on the white. He then collapses. When he is finally helped back up by a supporter whose face shall not be seen, he staggers--not swaggers--off into the distance in shame and stupidity. Maybe he should have questioned the wisdom of trying to be so close to something he couldn't control. This, oh my brothers and sisters, is what happened to still-Governor Rod Blagojevich. He saw the gravy train a-comin' down the mountain and had to be the Christmas turkey that got glazed [nl].





It is reported today that Gov. Blago WILL NAME OBAMA'S SUCCESSOR, in what has to be one of the most defiant political moves I've seen recently, next to Senator Larry Craig's STALLED ATTEMPT AT MAN-LOVE and subsequent refusal to accept even his own guilty plea in court, dragging his public embarassment out longer than necessary.

The move by Gov. Blago has already drawn a line in the snow between himself and THE DON MEGA HARRY REID, with the Senate Majority Leader repeating the party line that any person appointed by the disgraced governor would be blocked. Since it's everyone's intention to have Blago not only impeached but possibly prosecuted, it makes perfect sense that he would not take the idiotic step of tainting SOMEONE ELSE'S good name by telling the world that he--in all of his political morality--has decided that said person was the most qualified for such a powerful and significant position. But politics = Pandora's box, lest we forget...





My question: why is it that Blago keeps shitting on black candidates? Pardon me if my colorblind philosophy is blurring my actual vision, but wasn't President-Elect Barack Obama a black senator? Why would Blago twice put his slimy stamp of approval on two otherwise respectable black men with upward mobility and political aspirations of grandeur? Is this some type of trade-off? Do blacks in Illinois have to pay a penance for Obama's success? Sacrifice two knights to get one king? Checkmate?

Or is this something more politically poisoned? Is Gov. Blago putting his finger in the Obama Administration's proverbial EYE OF PROVIDENCE by spreading his own disgrace among other candidates that share a similar ethnic background to Obama, as long as he is hung out to dry by the new Democratic establishment? Maybe his posturing is a way of saying, "Look here, Mr. Magic Negro; I will not be the only one to fall on this one, so you'd better look for a way to save me and my political legacy before I start flipping even worse than the reporter in that YouTube video above."





And seriously, what does that "Warning" sign next to Blago mean? Is there some subliminal message in the choice of being snapped by a photog next to something that says the word "rats"? Hmmm...

Hopefully Blago will smarten up quickly and realize that he's already fallen. No need to keep playing yourself for the cameras, dude. You are the victim of your own epic fail. Just collect yourself, turn around and walk away. And please don't expose those that tried to help you get back up in the process. Let them have their dignity.

RELIGION IS DEAD

Thank Jebus it's Friday. Speaking of The Lawd, there's a movie coming out that I'm going to try to see sometime this weekend called RELIGULOUS. It's Bill Maher's journalistic satire of religion, and by most reviewer's accounts, it promises to be funny to OBJECTIVISTS like myself while pissing off most Evangelical neo-conservative lunatics and hopefully every other manipulating servant of Satan that pretends to speak the language of spirituality. You know the type...






I don't know your views on Christianity, Islam or Judaism, but you're more than welcome to ask axe God to strike me down for saying that I am highly interested in what this documentary-styled film contains, or you can just leave a comment and be less dramatic. But if you wish to know, I am neither an atheist nor an agnostic, but I have serious questions about the factual or plain-old believable issues that are preached in the name of The Lawd, especially down here under the bible belt, where assholes and dickheads alike stink up the region with their quiet quest for money, power and fame--all in the name of Jesus Christ, Muhammad or MATISYAHU. God knows he has some strange followers that probably believe that he wrote the Old Testament or some next shit like that. Me? I was raised as a Baptist, and I had to go to chuuch all the got-damn time. I would hear all types of buffoonery. A quick list of some of the nonsense includes:

1. If you kill yourself, you're going to Hell.
2. If you're gay, you're going to Hell.
3. If you say "God Damn" too many times, you're going to Hell.

Now, I can't vouch for two of those, because I'm neither gay or dead from suicide. But I lost my fear of speaking my mind years ago, and sometimes you just can't substitute another phrase for the all-powerful "Gyeaad--DAAAYYUM!!" And besides, don't act like a lot of the men that attend mostly black churches aren't apple bottom biters on the low, if you follow. Maybe on the high... But please believe: God has been very good to me, so don't assume that I'm not a believer. I just don't let another human being get between our relationship, so I really have little to no use for modern evangelists, preachers and such.



The few spiritual leaders that I do respect have always agreed that there is no such thing as an unforgivable sin as long as you've accepted God into your life. The others have always made up things that they claim can be found in The Good Book. By the way, it is a good book, but did you know that the Bible was in fact not written by God? A man actually took the trees that God created on "his" earth, in "his" universe, and cut them into shreds so that he could print money, collect 10% of others' income and give it all back to God. God made man and man made money selling God's magnum opus.



OUCH-- I just got struck by a bolt of lightning! But no, really, what is the point of religion? I see it as a way to control people and to turn the individual hero into a compressed weakling who cannot exist on his or her own terms. Maybe that sounds harsh, but riddle me this: when was the last time you sinned? Probably today. And the wages of sin is... you already know. Death. But guess what? You're gonna die anyway, so stop taking things so God-damned literal and learn to laugh at life while you have it. Sheesh!

I expect to laugh incredibly loud at Religulous, but I do not expect anyone to volunteer to see it with me. And while I believe it will do decent numbers at the box office, I can also clearly see the future, when the zealots start protesting and calling for HBO to cancel his show like Comedy Central did back when he started FREESTYLING about September 11. If there's anything guaranteed in America, it is religious persecution, which is pretty sad when you remember that this country was supposedly founded as an antidote to intolerance.



You mad? Who cares. Take it up with the man, woman or entity upstairs. But please, save your accusations of blasphemy for someone that's stupid. I have always believed that the spirit of God lives in each of us, therefore we can communicate directly with the great spirit without the need of an intermediary or middleman. As long as we have pastors with perms, private jets and penthouse apartments that preach prosperity, I'll happily refrain from spending my sacred Sunday afternoon doing anything as ridiculous as attending a "house of God" that man built and paid for. Isn't God already rich? Doesn't "he" own the earth, as well as the universe? How much sense does it then make to cut down "his" trees, turn them into currency and give 10% of the paper product back to "him"?

God don't like ugly. And yes, I know I might go to Hell for this, but like The Last Poets said, "If there's Hell below, we're all gonna go!"

MODESTY IS DEAD: THE OBAMA CRUSADE CONTINUES

Pass the high-class mustard, oh my brothers and sisters. It has been announced that Senator John McCain, who believes that you aren't rich until you have $5 million, IS THE NUMBER 1 STUNNA WHEN IT COMES TO CARS.

Man, it's gotta be nice to be a Republikkkan. You know, once you sign your soul over to Satan, that your whip game will forever be proper. Not only that, but you probably get to drink Arnold Palmers after matches at your exclusive tennis club, while soaking in the steam down in the bathhouse sauna with the other good ol' boys, as you enjoy cigars and political opinions like your own. And after you've made it clear that you're of the same Confederate mind as your contemporaries, you hit the showers, change into an extra-crispy JoS. A. Banks outfit and head over to the pub for a pre-paid meal and a couple of Manhattans before you climb behind the wheel of one of your luxury automobiles - whichever one you drove that day.





Republikkkans have no idea that there's a recession going on. Not that they aren't hearing and seeing all the evidence for themselves, but they can't really be expected to believe that their favorite son, who is currently in charge, let this happen on his watch. Therefore, it didn't happen--that's how the GOP deals with today's economic climate. There is no recession, there is no stock market crisis and there is no problem in the housing sector. The fundamentals of our economy are strong, as long as they can't feel any difference in lifestyle.





I'm still astounded that McCain has managed to fool so many people. He's a member of the party that controls the White House, and while the Senate and House have technical Democratic majorities, neither house of Congress can make anything stick that Bush doesn't like, since all he has to do is push the Veto button. Without a true majority, there's no possilibity of a filibuster. But somehow, someway, people think that the Democrats are responsible for congressional failures. What they don't realize is that without that Democratic majority, things would be way worse. We should be glad they're in those seats, instead of complaining about what they haven't done yet. The Democrats holding down their elected positions are keeping McCain from buying 10 more cars while instituting the type of change that is contrary to what the men who wrote the U.S. Constitution intended. Sure, he supports alternative fuel choices for cars, but he lets his daughter buy a foreign whip?




The only change you can expect from him would be a final stake in the heart of womens' and civil rights, as he ultimately stacks another two right-wingers on top of the Supreme Court. You want to talk about change? What if McCain rolls up to the Capitol in a Rolls-Royce for his first State of the Union address and says the following:

Dear Bitches:

You are no longer free. We are now in the first phase of "Country First", my new plan of action as President. Your government now has the exclusive right to make decisions regarding your body. But congratulations; you now have the irrevocable right to life! Nobody but us, your government, can take that away from you! By the way, we might call for a draft; you know, we still do have that 100-year war that we're going to fight against, uh... Asia? Venezuela? Was it... Africa? Oh yeah, Iran!! Whatever, wherever... When we call for you to die for your country, we expect you to exercise your right to... um... choose? Wait, scratch that last thing I said. Let's just keep it real: either you fight for us when we say or you get the electric chair. And I got five friends in black robes that say I'm the man, so I bet you won't trip.

That's all for now, but don't forget to come through next weekend for the 1st Annual Johnny Mac Car & Bike Show, featuring Cindy and Sarah's wet t-shirt competition, a free Mexican buffet and a live reggaeton/kickboxing performance by Daddy Yankee and Chuck Norris! We changed the game on these hoes!!

Oh, by the way, Senator Barack Obama has one car: a Ford Escape hybrid. American made and forward-thinking on energy and oil. Change we can see, starting at the top of the ticket.




The better question might be, what the hell does McCain need 13 cars for, anyway? When's the last time he took a driver's exam? I sure as hell don't want him driving ahead, behind or onside of my car; you know how those geezers drive. After he loses the election, I can only think of one type of car he needs to be driving. And yes, it's made for retirement.

BREAKING NEWS: ZAPP & ROGER ARE DEAD

Look, I respect Kanye West and all, and I respect your musical opinion, dear reader, but this song--"Love Lockdown?" Hell nope.

You might really like this song, but I can't dig it. Ask Axe me about any other song Kanye has produced and/or performed; I'll probably defend it as either great, good or misunderstood. This one is just weird, and seems similar to the news of Palin being picked for VP, not very well planned out and intended for shock value. And Ye's taking a huge risk by having the extremely-overused vocoder voice effect featured so prominently in yet another currently radio-friendly "rap" song. Speaking of which, where's the rap? Eff that, where's the beat?





See... this song is so suspect that 50 Cent, who is pretty much dead in terms of relevancy in the realm of Hip-Hop, can mock it onstage. And sadly, the song is weird enough that 50 just might be able to catapult himself back into relevancy just by calling it out for what it is and getting fans to think he's trustworthy again. To me, Kanye got on some Palin-esque shit with this song, trying to fool the public with something outlandish. The scary thing is that it just might work, judging by the dumbness of the Hip-Hop audience and its readiness to accept anything that a marquis artist puts out with the assistance of the vocoder effect. And trust me, these artists would put out anything if not for true fans who voice honest opinions when it comes to G.O.O.D. Music. N.P.I.

I expect more; I expect better. I expect Hip-Hop. And I'm starting to feel towards Kanye the same thing I felt after Jay-Z put out Kingdom Come--like I'd be defending a guilty party if I said that the product wasn't indeed wack, which it kinda was. As much as I hate to say it, 50 might have a point with his parody of "Love Lockdown", because he's showing us that he's the ultimate stan, willing to challenge the artist he ultimately admires by making a point about quality.

I'm not saying that 50 deserves attention with this bullshit stunt he's pulled. It's just another desperate move among his many other feats of P.R. fuckery, proving that he can't just make a hit record anymore; I'm no dummy. But tell the truth: "Love Lockdown" sucks. And if a brand new artist that wasn't named Kanye West dropped that song, you'd never even consider downloading it for free, much less buying it. Call it whatever you like, just don't call it Kanye's best or even a hit record. "Flashing Lights", on the other hand, was a hit record, in case you forgot, and it didn't even need any hype or Hip-Hop debate to push it further; it was just dope.





All criticism aside, I do think Kanye is the new Quincy Jones, and he will end up furthering Hip-Hop music on the cultural time continuum, regardless of this understandable blip of failure. Hell, even Q has thrown up a recent creative BRICK. At least he waited until he was an O.G. to do what he knew was all about fast $, instead of half-stepping with his talent so comparatively soon when you look at other career successes. Back when he was Ye's age, he was all about keeping it creatively classic instead of safeguarded by standards. In my opinion, Ye went extra left with "Love Lockdown", and it could go down as one of his great, unfinished, undefined masterpieces that sank soon after sailing off the shore, unless the remix is extra wavy. And who's he going to get, other than T-Pain and Lil' Wayne? This one is way too predictable.





Before you try to pull my hater card, just know that I am a fan of Kanye, just as I am a fan of Cam'ron and Senator Barack Obama. All three are bricking something awful right now, and it's hard to cheer when you're alone in the bleachers, waiting for the seemingly extinguished fire to show some sparks of life. But I'm not saying that the next Kanye single won't be fire. I'm just saying that it'd better be, or it's going to be a cold winter.

Kanye, as a fan and a critic, I'll let you call me two-faced if I can call your new song wack as fuck and a half-assed attempt to steal Zapp & Roger's trademark sound, like T-Pain has done, with updated voice technology. Here's a free tip for aspiring artists thinking that "the robot thingy" is the way to recording industry success: If you can't sing, don't. Pardon the harshness, but I've always believed that an artist's biggest fans have the right to be the biggest critics, because they're brutally honest.

HYPHY IS SCREWED

The news is that Bay Area rap star Mistah F.A.B. is "BEEFING" with the local Oakland Hip-Hop station, KMEL-FM. This is just another chain of events that sparked the creation of this new post, oh my brothers and sisters. Let's investigate the phenomenon of drug-promoting music and its accompanying culture as they relate to specific places on the American map.

Whether I'm a big fan of "Hyphy" music or not, you've gotta admit that it's dead, at least outside of Oakland's ungerground rap scene. As long as we're being honest here (and I don't know why we wouldn't be), most regional sounds that were sold as the next big things a few years ago are all dead.

I mean, look at "Screwed" music, and compare it to what happened with Hyphy. Both of these subgenres of Hip-Hop have been in existence long before some rich white dude decided to cut a mainstream check and put them both on. Representing Alabama, Georgia and Tennessee, I can attest to the fact that I've been hearing screwed mixtapes for close to fifteen years via cousins that visited Texas in the summer. It's nowhere near new. But what was new a few years ago was when Houston rappers Mike Jones, Chamillionaire, Paul Wall, Slim Thug and others started getting major record deals, one after another, all on the strength of a combined 12-month run of consecutive songs - all of which broke the local mold and went from regional to national recognition.

I admit, I was as proud as anybody else from the south that another state was finally getting its just due, as it were. But I also admit this: Screwed music sucks.





I never understood why people liked listening to rap songs that had been "screwed and chopped." Every time I've been forced to listen to any Screwed song for more than 15 seconds, it's always been depressing, sleep-inducing, boring and just... slow. Too damned slow. That shit would drive me to the depths of insanity if I ever got nabbed by terrorists and told that I'd be tortured with a 24-hour private Screwed and Chopped listening session if I don't snitch. I'd confess to all types of shit I've never even thought about doing to get out of that one. And I'd say that Gangsta Rap made me do it.


Once Screwed music got outside of its natural habitat, it was a wrap, because, like Hyphy, it was built upon pillars of salt, or should I say "snow." You can't expect a whole nation to become localized to your city unless the music is that good. Country music comes from Nashville, Bounce music and of course Jazz both come from New Orleans and The Blues were born in the Mississippi Delta. They all spread throughout their regions to national and worldwide ears, but there is a distinct difference: These subcultures are build around actual rhythms, beats, sounds, harmonies and melodies. Without great songs and plenty of great artists down for the artistic cause itself, it just doesn't happen. It's gotta be about the artform more than the afterparty, and both had better be better than anything experience previously if you expect the story to spread. And I'm not saying that Miles, Dizzy and Bird weren't getting loaded on the daily, because we all know how that story goes. But they were still great musicians.

Every city has it's own style that can't (and maybe shoudn't) be made global, especially when you add in the quietly kept secret that - gasp! - Screwed and Hyphy music are both really about doing massive amounts of drugs and being proud enough to sing and dance about it, out loud.

Compare and contrast: As the soundtrack to the lifestyle of codeine and promethazine abusers, Screwed Music was made for Texans who sip "syrup", the mixture of the two drugs combined with Sprite, Big Red soda or any other sweet, carbonated ghetto beverage. Rap artists, taking cues from the "slab rider" culture of Houston, drink it in public and continue to make songs glorifying its consumption, even after it killed one of its most famous rappers - Pimp C.




In Oakland, Hyphy was created as the musical companion to taking Ecstacy pills or "beans", and the subsequent erratic speech, dancing and general behavior. To be high on E-pills, therefore, was to be "hyphy." Some of the Hyphy stuff I heard was nowhere near wack, but it was always a bit too crunk for my blood. And you've gotta be high to want to do some SHIT LIKE THIS. "Go dumb," indeed...





I've pretty much held the same stance against Hyphy since I figured out what it was about. You can't have any type of positive message in a type of music that outright encourages drug use. Now before you even try it ("But what about Gangster Rap?"), I would argue that the social commentary that exists in the Thug Life style of Hip-Hop is necessary to show that people are economically suffering to the point that they would risk their lives and others' to make a dollar. So they pick up a gun and do horrible things.

I've always felt that if you make the terror of the gangster lifestyle look as ugly as it really is, you will save some people from ever wanting to enter it, even if you attract those who would wanted to be gangsters anyway. I never wanted to be a gangbanger after listening to N.W.A. - not once. But it was cool to hear their stories, accentuated by gun shots, excessive swearing and less-than-romantic ideas about women. To me, it's the same as watching No Country for Old Men; it's crazy, entertaining as hell and a great piece of art, even though it's gruesome to the point that I wouldn't have wanted to be in any character's shoes in real life.

The only way I'm convinced that a person can have any positive influence from Hyphy or Screwed music would be to suffer a complete meltdown, go through intensive rehabilitation and emerge from the ashes of doom like the Phoenix. Either that, or the artist just overdoses and dies, causing enough grief from fans and guilt in the hearts of close associates to spark a movement of sobriety, removing all the momentum from the power of the drugs and placing it back in the hands of the people to create things that don't cause mental damage and self-genocide.



It's my theory that the reason why TEXAS MIGHT BE DEAD and HYPHY IS REALLY DEAD is because you can't mix narcotics with your music and expect everyone to follow mindlessly forever like the living dead. Eventually, people wake up and realize they've been drugged. And then what?


But I can't front; THIS SONG is still dope. But if you listen closely, it's not all happy. Just listen to the chorus...

PRIDE, DIGNITY, SELF-RESPECT - THEY'RE ALL DEAD

Warning. This shit is sad. You've been warned.

So I was riding along I-20 yesterday afternoon on my way back from Birmingham, taking in my daily dose of the best news program on the planet, NPR. Forget whatever you heard or thought; no television station, newspaper, magazine, blog or website does a better job of reporting the events that occur in our world with as much consistency and objectivity. Which reminds me, I need to go ahead and start donating money (whenever I get some).

But back to the point. While I'm enjoying my highway cruise, I was flabbergasted by a story about PRINCELLA SMITH, a 24-year old Republikkkan who is an African-American female and happens to be a member of Newt Gingrich's think tank, American Solutions. CLICK HERE FOR THE AUDIO. And if you will excuse me for a moment while you listen, I will now puke on myself.

*earling*


Ok, we're back. So anyway, this heifer intelligent black woman has decided to show her independence and freedom by being a token negro mascot for the GOP. She even had a blog post published at one of my favorite liberal bully blogs that attacked my beloved Hip-Hop. Check it out:

Sadly, the new slave master portrayed in many (not all) rap videos is the black man.

The executives and heads of these hip hop record companies are white males who sell 4 out of every 5 rap records recorded to a young, white, suburban, male audience. This image of oversexed black men who disrespect women, wear gun wounds as a badge of honor and brag of "bling and bills" is ingrained into the minds of white America, and thus becomes a new form of bondage for African-Americans. These young white men go out into the corporate world, and many are eventually sitting behind a desk to hire employees, and we want them to be objective. Yet, in their subconscious lies these images of African-Americans.

SOURCE: THE HUFFINGTON POST

Good try, sista. Now, let's examine that theory a little bit more. If we are seriously defined as a race by the entertainment that we created for our own enjoyment and is now an incredibly popular worldwide financial juggernaut, that would not be a failure upon our part in sending a clear message. The onus lies upon the anuses who listen and believe anything they hear, see and read. All art is open to interpretation, and what seems like mysogynistic and self-hating garbage to you might be comedy to me. In other words, I don't have to tell a joke or write a sentence that you like, if I don't wish to do such a thing. If you like it, great! If not, kill yourself!

Here's an example. I don't get upset at Oprah, Tyra or that other black woman on The View when they say dumb shit that I don't agree with or could shine a negative light on black men. I just think that they're entitled to their own opinions, and then I ask axe myself, "Why the eff am I watching Oprah?" Immediately following this revelation, I shake my head and change the channel. Problem solved. I don't sit around and wonder, "But what if white women believed that all black men were worthless, irresponsible, shiftless, immature animals with bad credit? Do you know what that would do to interracial dating and the population of light skinned babies? Oh, the horror!"

That was a joke. All I'm trying to get across here is that if you don't like something, don't watch, listen to or read it. Leave it the hell alone, like I'm doing with your beloved GOP convention. And I'm going to do my best to ignore you, my sista, because you are being used like a rubber dildo by the Republikkkans to sodomize the African-American race in a manner that Nelly could never achieve with a million "Tip Drill" videos.

My problem with Princella Smith is that she is a tool. If she doesn't know it, then there is hope for her yet. Ignorance is bliss, but nothing lasts forever. Now, if she does realize that she is letting the Republikkkans parade her around town as their new weapon against their own reputation of racial hatred, then she is despicable, stupid and a classic sell-out. And I'm sure that will put her on the path to the Supreme Court like another famous GOP ball-blower.





For the record, Ms. Smith, I do not judge you for being an opportunist. I'll pray for you tonight, even. Now go back to your aluminum shack behind Massa's house and finish shucking corn for tonight's GOP convention dinner. I'm sure they'll save the "chitterlings" for you.




Lord, give me a sign.

T.O.C. # 41: You Can't Be Serious

TODAY:


I am almost outraged that people who know that the Republikkkans are evil are actually watching the Republikkkan convention. I didn't have to see Governor Palin's speech and the obviously ensuing applause and cheerful reception to know that it was going to be a festival of lies, manipulation and deception. For God's sake; Bush is a Republikkkan. And if you thought that the party of Bush, Reagan and Nixon was really going to change face this late in the game and start being responsible for the rest of the civilized world, which they've already severely fucked up, then I wish you the best in life, because you're obviously not ready to face the reality of the world. Or, just kill yourself, which I'd wholeheartedly suggest to you lame ideological idiots.

I pity the fool.




And now, I will bring you back to reality, and back to the true purpose of this crusade. Senator Barack Obama is still killing the racist propaganda that comes from the GOP. And he's doing it with class, grace and style. If you think I'm just selling wolf tickets, CLICK HERE. And remember, I'll even admit on a sunny day for Democrats that poll numbers mean Nathan. But if poll numbers come up positive when they're not supposed to, like, for a black Democratic Party POTUS nominee, during the GOP convention... well, let's just assume that the numbers are still underestimated, because they're never going to let us know just how far ahead we really are. If you're down with the clowns, you don't have to be afraid that the Obama/Biden ticket is actually winning, if that scares you. Just sleep through the nightmare and wake up in eight years. But don't fight the tide if you're lost at sea.





And that's all for tonight. But if you really need anything else, let me just say that I'm still amazed because I can now comfortably believe that we're actually going to win this thing. And it's all because the GOP fell victim to its own fuckery.



[That's just so you scaredy-cat Democrats and Independents will calm the eff down and relax. We've got a great candidate, and all that's stopping him from advancing is YOU.]



I'd like to say, "Big ups and infinite thanks," to Governor Sarah Palin, the most unqualified VP candidate in history, for helping the villainous Republikkkans to throw this election into the trash. Yes, Joe Biden is going to thrash this whole phuckphest in the debates. And it's not only going to be ugly; it's going to be funny. Mark my words.

T.O.C. #40 - Racist Alabama Rednecks and Obama's Late N*gger Father

[Young Obama]


TODAY:

Everyone that wears the color red and likes elephants was busy trying to spin the ridiculousness that is Governor Sarah Palin into a fairy tale story. And in such red states as Alabama, my "sweet home", I'm sure that there were thousands of others who were doing their best to turn salt into sugar.





Before you even ask axe, hell no, I'm not watching the Republikkkan convention. I'd rather watch Fox News for a whole year than see a concentrated version of lies, manipulation and race-baiting, put on by the same people who are responsible for this sad state of the union we are now living through. And I rather you killed me, had me cremated, pissed in my urn and served it after the funeral to my family as lemonade than to watch Fox News for even a whole day. So there's your answer to how I think the GOP is doing this week.





See, ever since the Republikkkans had their hoe card pulled by a bluff from God called "Hurricane Gustav", they've been scrambling all over the television news in a desperate collective attempt at pulling their skirts back down. They know that Palin is bad news, and they'd have to believe that we are all idiots (which, of course, they do) if they really think we believe that this woman is the best person to replace Senator John McCain if he croaks on the job. God forbid that that happens (hell, God forbid he wins...), but having Palin as safety net is worse than using pantyhose to break a 10k foot fall from the sky. Maybe even thinner. Not an exercise of good judgment.

As you know, Governor Palin's daughter GAVE UP THE DRAWS AND GOT KNOCKED UP. Senator Barack Obama, the next POTUS, made a formal announcement that "family is off limits." Not only was this statement an excellent political move, as it keeps him on the news during the GOP convention, but it showed his human element. That is, Obama is showing that he would do unto others as he would have them do unto him. Remember when they were tripping on Michelle? Well, now Michelle is off limits, just like the "experience" argument evaporated once Palin became the official VP nominee for the dead elephants. I swear, this Palin lady is killing every weapon that the GOP had against Obama.





So today, as I was checking my email and the daily news online at a place called STIR CRAZY in Birmingham, Alabama, I was caught totally off-guard when I heard one of the most random racist rants I've heard recently. I'm sure you're already thinking to yourself, "Come on, Mike. You were in Alabama! What did you expect?" Well, I didn't expect for a large white man to blurt out loud, in what I guess was his response to the media's sharking of Palin's personal family problems:

"Obama had a white mama, and his daddy was a nigger!"





On a day that my own blog started with Marcus Garvey, School Daze and a hanging Klansman, what else could I have expected? For the record, I was shocked out of my mind. Contrary to popular belief, that kind of public outburst or display does not happen in Alabama often; they save that shit for the backwoods Klan meetings usually, and they still whisper. But yeah, I was stuck, trying to decide whether or not I'd really heard what I heard. And it's funny that the only other black person that was there earlier had just left before the white guy went Kramer with the loud N-bomb. I guess, because I was sitting in a corner with my back turned to the other customers, the guy didn't see me and thought he was safe to return to his racist comfort zone, back in the old boys club. And he never acknowledged me afterwards, although his ladyfriend kept looking at me nervously as I went near their places at the bar to order a Long Island and to give them a heads-up that there was still a nigger in attendance.

The other customers made no eye contact with me. The bartender, whose name is also Mike, was trying to look as if he had been too busy to hear what was said. A guy who smelled like rancid ham - who was actually a cool guy - kind of made himself busy at the pool table. These people were both speaking to me when I entered, and now they looked ashamed to be in my range of vision. Weirdness...

After conferring with my colleague MAURICE GARLAND via Twitter, I realized that the best move was to exit before I said something that got me jumped by said redneck and maybe 6 other worthless elephant man-looking goons, because that would have only resulted in me returning to the bar with a dozen or so friends who live nearby and setting the place on fire. Did I just say that? Just kidding.

So what is the moral of this story? Well, let's just say that when Republikkkans get nervous, they get desperate. They revert back to the way they really are without the cloak of invisibility that covers their red necks and fat, elephant asses. Once the shield is removed, they say anything they want, and I can't blame them. If this is how they plan to respond to the fact that Governor Palin is a horrible candidate, then I feel sorry for them. They can call me and every other black person in the world a nigger, and it won't make Palin a good mother. They can shout about the fact that Senator Obama was born to an 18-year old mother, and it still won't kill his credentials. They can piss me off, but they can't control my temper, even if I don't lose it. And no, Alabama isn't really that bad, but racism exists everywhere, and shows up when you least expect it. That's what I've learned - never be surprised by it.

You know how you know you're on the winning side? When the other side gets angry. Oh, and plus they were all musty as hell. At least us "niggers" believe in good hygiene and don't use toilet seats as horseshoes.




"Home is where the hatred is..."
- Gil Scott Heron

T.O.C.: Day 39 - THE REPUBLIKKKAN "PARTY" IS DEAD

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 39 - MCCAIN'S PAIN

I have to apologize to my readers, because now I get what's happening, and as of right now, I'm taking the bait. So this will be the last time I write an entire post about what the hell is or isn't going on with this. But for now, I have two separate theories as to why Senator John McCain chose Governor Sarah Palin as his VP candidate.


1. Either McCain hit it when Palin visited him on a LATE NIGHT SECRET FLIGHT to Arizona last week, and she put that thang on him so badly that he gave her a key to a room in the White House for some late-night creep action in 2009,


OR...


2. McCain is spitting in the face of the Obama campaign, saying with subtlety that since OBAMA IS A CELEBRITY, the Republikkkan party can create it's own star, while still having a balanced ticket with a Senate veteran, just like the Dems. Except, the roles would be reversed.

The argument sounds like this. If Biden beats Palin in the VP debates, that means nothing, because, historically, no one votes for a VP anyway. Plus, she's just a politically made celebrity, so it's no big deal if she can't overcome any expectations.

The GOP probably thinks that this neutralizes Senator Obama. They think he has no experience, so they got someone with even less experience than zero. So now, the fight is between Biden and McCain. Both are long standing U.S. senators, and both have a wealth of foreign policy and government experience. But since Biden is not the presidential candidate, it makes Obama look bad, I guess.


All of that is a crazy gamble, but it still doesn't knock down the biggest question:

Is this the best person McCain could find to be president after him, in case he's not available? And if it isn't (and let's be honest - it isn't), what does that say about his judgment?

Seriously, I think he hit it.

POLITICAL SUICIDE (in the guise of respecting women)

It has been CONFIRMED BY CNN that Senator John McCain has chosen that lady above, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, as his running mate. More on this later...

All I can say for now is that this is a very bold move. And I don't know what the hell to make of this, except that this is a blatant stab at the Hillary vote.

Man, I'm going to have a lot to say about this one. For now, this is one of the worst moves I could have predicted by the Republikkkans. How stupid...


Stay tuned...

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 35 - REGGAETON IS OFFICIALLY DEAD

I just can't even believe this awkward buffoonery. Look at your boy, Daddy Yankee, going out like a straight sucker...




Senator John McCain, the presumptive GOP nominee, says he's introducing "a special friend" and a "great American success story" (from Puerto Rico) who's been married for 15 years with three kids, aged 14, 12 and 10. Then this guy Daddy Yankee comes on stage looking like a 40-year old pedophile, hugging girls his childrens' ages and rambling in short bursts of Spanglish about how he's backing McCain because of his stance on immigration.

If this doesn't seem strange to you, it's because you don't pay attention. See, Puerto Ricans have no problem getting in and out of the U.S. Their Visas aren't like Mexican citizens'. So I don't exactly get Yankee's point. However, this is a great moment of opportunity for the Democrats. This is precisely where John McCain is weak when it comes to his political base of support.

You'd better believe that the immigration issue is what almost kept him from getting the nomination from the Republickins in the first place. Now, he's touting it early and unnecessarily. If the Democrats are smart and not the weak, punk-ass beeyotches that the Republickins always frame them as, they'll make an attack ad that goes as hard as McCain's recent commercial that tries to put a wedge between the supporters of Senator Hillary Clinton and the rest of the Democratic party. See below:



See how McCain is trying to meddling in Democratic party affairs, trying to make Clinton seem like a victim and Obama look like a white chocolate devil for not choosing or consulting her on the VP issue? Keep in mind that before the Dems' convention started, something like 24% of Clinton supporters said that they would rather support McCain on November 4, all because they're "outraged" at the way their girl was treated by Obama.

Well, the Democrats need to put something out that says something to the effect of, "John McCain wants the Hip-Hop vote so badly that he went out and got a washed-up reggaeton artist to confirm what we already know - McCain will leave our borders unsecured for thousands, if not millions, of undocumented illegal immigrants to cross into America. This is the guy conservatives don't really want to support..."

That would start some serious whispering among the neo-conservatives and evangelicals who are only supporting McCain because they have no better option. But one thing independent candidates don't want to hear about is our country losing more jobs to illegals at a time when the economy is pissier than McCain's bedsheets.


The Democrats need to either grow some nuts or some nipples and stop walking the fence, so to speak, on this issue. Time to get tough; McCain would have done the same. And by the way, what was the last Daddy Yankee song you liked?




- My name is THE UNDERWRITER, and Barack Obama did not approve this message. But the Democrats had better tell him to get on my level soon if they want to win this election.

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 32

TODAY:


I'm not going to say much. But as you can see...

I CALLED IT.


CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO.


FYI: Liberal America just exhaled a deep breath of relief... And again, I was right. Respect my authority on politics (and all else).

THE KING IS DEAD

Elvis Presley kicked the proverbial bucket on August 16, 1977, the exact same day that my best friend WHITE JESUS was born. Tell your favorite redneck; spread the good word. And tell him that Hip-Hop killed Elvis's legacy and Michael Jackson boned his daughter. See, I'm not a fan. Although I do respect the dead, that whole nice guy thing dies if said dead person had a racist reputation that was "never substantiated." Yeah, right.

In 1957, despite Presley's demonstrable respect for "black" music and performers, he faced accusations of racism. He was alleged to have said in Boston, Massachusetts: "The only thing Negro people can do for me is to buy my records and shine my shoes." Presley always denied saying, or ever wanting to say, such a racist remark.

SOURCE: WIKIPEDIA

Oh well, who cares now. I can forgive him, I guess. I mean, didn't Hip-Hop forgive Eminem for dropping the N-bomb a few years ago? It's only right; after all, it was more than 50 years ago when Elvis went Kramer. Times were different. You could call a spade a spade back then, I guess...

But just to be a prick, here is one of my favorite clips from Eddie Murphy's Delirious. Ha!





R.I.P., Elvis Aaron Presley. Maybe it was just a lie. Or maybe it was never meant to be made public that you didn't really care for the company of African-Americans. Whatever. I'm still not a fan.





"Elvis was a hero to most/ But he never meant shit to me
To millions, a straight-up racist/The sucker was simple and plain...
Mother-f*ck him and John Wayne!!"

Public Enemy - Fight the Power

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 26

TODAY:


We interrupt this program to bring you this special, extraordinary bulletin of epic proportions. But first, a word from our sponsor. Don't touch that mouse!




Back to our regularly scheduled program, former U.S. Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who was recently being vetted to be Obama's VP, has been dug up as an unfaithful spouse and veritable liar, slutmonger and dewshbag. If you didn't already know, Edwards's wife has cancer, and it is terminal, which makes John look like an even filthier piglet for cheating on his dying soulmate.

Not only did Edwards go public with his admission of guilt on Friday, but he did it right before the Olypics began in Bejing. That means that he knew it would be a small American news item going up against a weeks-long world news story that only comes once every few years. I'm dead @ this.


Without trying to judge or speculate too much on this one, I'll defer now to James Poniewozik, who has broken down the good and bad reasons why a journalist might be interested but probably would not cover this story.

My bottom line: It comes down to whether the story affects a public issue. This story at least bore investigation back when Edwards was a candidate. (Whatever any of us thinks about whether an affair disqualifies someone for office, a voter has every right to take it into consideration—even if for tactical reasons—when trying to vote for their party's nominee.) When Edwards dropped out, it was probably fair enough to ignore it: the fact that it was a story once, or might be a story in the future, did not make it a story at that time.

But with Edwards facing the possibility of getting shut out of his own party's convention, it would have been bizarre to simply let that pass without explanation from the media. It was not a huge, earth-shattering story, but it was a story. He must have known that—and Democrats sure as hell did, "private figure" or no—hence his disclosure (on a Friday, before the opening of the Olympics).

Now, of course, the press will probably over-cover the story in compensation, because that's what we do.

SOURCE: TIME.COM

So why is this relevant to Obama? Simple: Edwards endorsed Obama, and he could have been a veep candidate - you never know. Whether you have sympathy for him or not, you have to admit he was wasting everyone's time if he knew that this was lurking in his past.

They say that leaking your VP choices, if you're a major party candidate for POTUS, is a smart thing to do. If you let the media know who you're vetting, they might do an even better job that you or your limited team. Hell, these internet lurkers can and will dig up all types of dead dirt on someone that you could have sworn was the truth. Ask Axe Rick Ross.

Ain't that America?

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 12 - YOU CAN'T CHEAT THE REAPER

Truth be told, I was astounded - yes, astounded - at the comment that I received on one of my earlier posts. The comment appeared on one of THE OBAMA CRUSADES -you know, that series I've been posting for the last 12 days - and I admit that I really believed that some guy named John Maszka was one of those dudes who just started reading my blogs that I'd have to respond to. I mean, this dude went in on some foreign policy, self-righteous bullshit.


Check out the comment snippet:

"The really disappointing aspect of Obama is that he was supposed to be the peace candidate. But everything that he appeared to stand for- multiculturalism, religious toleration, peace, diplomacy- all are overshadowed by this foolish idea of moving the war to Pakistan.

Moving the war on terror to Pakistan could have disastrous consequences on both the political stability in the region, and in the broader balance of power. Scholars such as Richard Betts accurately point out that beyond Iran or North Korea, “Pakistan may harbor the greatest potential danger of all.” With the current instability in Pakistan, Betts points to the danger that a pro-Taliban government would pose in a nuclear Pakistan. This is no minor point to be made. While the Shi’a in Iran are highly unlikely to proliferate WMD to their Sunni enemies, the Pakistanis harbor no such enmity toward Sunni terrorist organizations. Should a pro-Taliban or other similar type of government come to power in Pakistan, Al-Qaeda’s chances of gaining access to nuclear weapons would dramatically increase overnight.

There are, of course, two sides to every argument;"

SOURCE: JOHN MASZKA

If you care to read the rest, the comment is on THE OBAMA CRUSADES: Day 11. Just scroll down until you see it.


Now, I was all good and ready to respond with fire, but then my wits kicked in. And I thought to myself, "What the fuck? Who is this guy? And what makes my dead-ass blog worthy of such a ridiculous rant?" I mean, dude wasn't wrong for stating his opinion, which even as respectable as it seemed I could easily backhand away with just a flick of my intellectual wrist, but come on now... who am I to make somebody, with that much to say on a blog, so self-righteous and aggy?

I had to investigate.

Lo and behold, I discovered the truth. This "John Maszka" guy is some type of geek lurker that wants me to publish his thoughts, just so that I can get excited enough to respond. I only found this out because I Googled the phrase "Thathiah Ravi (2006:119, 121)," which was included in his comment just further down from the segment I quoted above. I looked it up on the internet, and that's when I realized that homeboy was a fraud.


IF YOU CLICK HERE, you'll find the exact same quoted text that "John Maszka" posted to my blog.

That only means that this guy is a sucker, and I refuse to accept the same comment that you give to another blog, unless of course I happened to write the exact same shit as the other blog where you posted that exact same comment. And you know better than that. I'll post such buffoonery just once, just so you can see how I will thrash this shit in the future, even if it means it'll crash my desktop hard drive.

Either you're trying to size me up with a virus (nolo) or you're just an unimaginative loser. Either way, you ain't got no wins in mi casa. You ain't even in mi clasa. I never copy and paste comments. Me and that/those other blogs you visit have nothing in common. I'm the truth, and I'm deadly to dewshbags like you. Now run your sorry ass back to Rush Limbaugh's blog or something. Go suck Sean Hannity's dick.



"John Maszka", you are officially dead. Stay off my blog, even if it means you have to kill yourself. Besides this post, you and your kind will never get a response from The Most Deadly, especially if you can't even come up with an original comment.





"I ain't have to read The Art of War to slay men..."
Nas - "Nazareth Savage"



SHOUT OUT TO SNICKERS.

CAREER-DEAD MCs

[please notice the phrase "Promotional Use Only" underneath "THE BOSS." True, true.]



If you haven't already heard - and it's everywhere right now - the rap career of "Rick Ross" is OFFICIALLY OVER.

The Smoking Gun has found records that *allegedly* show "Rick Ross", a.k.a. William Roberts, at some type of training graduation for correctional officers in Florida, shaking hands and smiling in a tight-ass brown and beige uniform.

This has been a two-week saga in the Hip-Hop world, as it involves a famous rapper (Roberts) that claimed to be a cocaine dealer and outlaw leader of his own Florida narcotics gang. He even went as far as naming himself after a California crack lord - "Freeway" Ricky Ross. As you would guess, being a one-time employee of the state prison system doesn't bode well for the reputation, especially while we're still in the "Stop Snitching" era. But creating the false persona of a criminal when you were actually trained to babysit them for the government is, if true, inexcusible and unacceptable.


Trick Daddy had already put the word out that Roberts used to be a prison guard, but without providing proof, it was just held as a possibility and an unfounded joke. But once the word got strong enough to spread, Media Take Out posted the picture, and the internet went nuts like Jesse. Soon after, Roberts put out his own YouTube joint, denying that he was ever a prison guard and saying that he would "see" Trick Daddy.





But now, all we see is that TDD was on point. I don't think it's so unreasonable that a prison guard could become a rap artist, or even a cocaine dealer-turned rap artist, but why front for the camera? You don't have to lie to kick it. Bad day - William Roberts. Good day - Trick Daddy.


"Fake thug, no love / you get the snub / CB-4 'Gusto' / Your luck low / I didn't know 'till I was drunk, though..."
Nas - The Message