Showing posts with label I'm Dead. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm Dead. Show all posts

2.19.2009

CHRIS BROWN IS DEAD

Photobucket


Dag, my brothers and sisters. Just when it was becoming media overkill, and people were starting to ask axe that awful question, "Well, what did Rihanna do to deserve it?"... it seems that the guy who has been called "Usher's Replacement" (everyone), "The Young Mike Jack" (Nas), and "hot" (my niece G), is pretty much going to become one of the most reviled men in entertainment since O.J. Simpson, Ike Turner and Kobe 2004. You even have the whole "leave Chris Brown alone" campaign going on, where cats like this guy below share their intuitive thoughts on the situation they know so much about, because they know about shit like this. Plus, "how can guilt look so cute?"





Chris Brown had a great thing going for him, and I don't mean the love of the guy above. He was handsome [ll], talented, young, rich, famous, charming [ll] and even seemed humble. Not at all the type of guy you'd see in one of those animated cartoons, where "the bad guy" is terrorizing some pearly young damsel, as she cries for a superhero to save her from the terror. CB was winning awards, had almost completely wiped clean the spectrum of modern male R&B singers, and was well on his way to at least 5-10 years of upward mobility in his career. Then, his goon hand came crashing down, repeatedly, on a woman. A woman like any other woman, except that she happens to be one of the finest and most famous women walking the planet right now.


Photobucket


I say that the storm was settling, because the major news pundits were starting to weigh in on the subject of the violent beating of Rihanna. Once the major news networks start letting their hacks get at a person, it's only a matter of time before some cash-poor publicist/"crisis manager" would come calling, offering to vigorously defend CB and bring him back to comfortable levels of public relations. Sure, it wouldn't be easy, but people are forgiving when it seems that the media isn't being fair or letting you have the chance to either defend yourself on television or raise even more questions about your effery, like A-Rod's recent roid press conference. It was even looking like Rihanna might show mercy (read: weakness/love), and publicly forgive CB, to take the edge off the incredible shit stain he placed on his own career. T.I., Will and Jada, Terrence Howard and all other types of celebs who probably have their own private or public dirt, were coming out of the woodworks to try to help the rest of us understand that these things probably happen a lot more than we think, and that there are ways to fix them without demonizing the guilty party.


Photobucket


I had my questions as to whether or not there was some incredibly strange situation that led to this beating, even though it was never in question as to whether or not he deserved to be publicly denounced for his actions. You just can't hit women, under any circumstances, is what most people believe. I tend to think that if a woman raises a gun at me, she has earned the right to get her ass whooped, just like a man. Barring that, the only option is to walk away, if your temper reaches the level that you are seriously considering letting your fists fly into her face.

So you can imagine that I was waiting to hear what CB would have to say about the whole ordeal before passing any personal judgment against him. I was also not completely sure of what happened, and there had been no available pictures to document how severe the assault had been. But alas, oh my brothers and sisters, the picture of Rihanna is worth a thousand words, and all of them are the same: "Damn."


Photobucket


When you wake up tomorrow, Chris Brown will be just a figment of your imagination. You won't be able to remember the lyrics to any of his numerous hit songs. You won't think of him as you chew your gum. You won't be able to name three things he did last year in the public eye. All you'll remember is the busted lip, scrapes, scars and swelling on Rihanna's face. And you'll look at her eyes. Closed, but tight, revealing pain that seems deeper than anything physical. She looks helpless, confused, and emotionally hurt to the point that tears won't even fall. And though she is completely beautiful, she is, in the TMZ picture, the new, ugly face of domestic abuse.

This blog is in the memory of Chris Brown's career. It is dead and gone. Hope you ladies enjoyed the show while it lasted.

1.18.2009

RACISM AIN'T DEAD YET...

Photobucket


Before you go all Obama/Dr. King/Biggie Smalls crazy with the rest of your holiday weekend, I just thought I'd come back to say hello and burst your bubble with regards to race relations in America, and specifically in the south.

Absolutely 100% true story:


Last night, after doing research for the job, I went to my old bar hangout in Marietta, GA. It's called Churchill's Pub. You don't normally see a lot of black folks in and out of there, but they do come through. I get treated like some sort of celebrity by the staff and owners, simply because I've weathered 2 years of coming in consistently. Working across the street at another bar made it accessible, and the fact that they have really good food, free wi-fi and would let you order a pitcher of beer for yourself were enough to keep me coming, even though I would sometimes sense race hate from the other side of the bar. Which I never pay much attention to anyway, but sometimes I would actually engage the people directly with a sarcastic smile and a knowing look.

It wasn't that way last night, but there was this dude that I know pretty well from seeing him there a lot, sometimes with his mom and dad. He was hanging out with this guy that looked like he was born in a hunting jacket; like he literally fell out of a deer's coochie one morning, reached for a rifle and shot his own mother dead. This guy was short, pudgy and had extremely wild eyes -- probably from meth of coke or... who knows -- and did all he could to get my attention when he played "99 Problems" by Jay-Z on the Rhapsody jukebox. I gave him a salute and even played along with him when he shouted out the lyrics to the part of the song where the officer is talking to Jay. You know: "Cuz I'm young, and I'm black/and my hat's real low/do I look like a mind reader, sir?/I'ont know..."

This is ironic, because 20 minutes later, as I walk over to say what's up to the other homie, he meets me in front of the jukebox, like, "Are you gonna play some shit!!@?? (drunk as hell). I was like, "Um... yeah!?" And he was then like, "YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" So I guess that meant we were cool. It had to mean he had established some type of relationship with me, at least in his mind, because not 5 minutes later, as I'm looking through the web, he does the irritating thing which people always do when I take my computer into a public place -- ask if I'll go to some stupid website or YouTube video. This time, I said "Sure," and actually found this really cool site that showcases a local artist who lost his arm or something and draws completely with his mouth. So I say to him, "That's actually cooler than I expected it to be, my man." And he says, "OH!!! YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING COOL?!??!@@#%?! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, MAN!!*#!"

That's when he pulls out his phone and shows me how he won last year's Halloween costume at a neighborhood party.


Photobucket


I actually got the guy to send that picture to my email address. That's really him. Now, if you're white and reading this, you might be thinking, "Aww, come on, Mike. That's not really racist! It's just a harmless joke! Stop being so damn sensitive and taking all the fun out of something that's not even that big a deal..."

True, true. Sounds great, but what was I supposed to say about the picture of his black dog, who he called his "down-ass nigger" and bragged about how well-trained he is, and why I'd love him, and why I should come over to their house to get really drunk(er) with the whole backwoods family.


Photobucket


I politely declined, shook my head a little and laughed. Finished my drink, turned back to him and asked a very simple question:

"So, did you vote for Obama?"

He said no.

I paid out my tab, walked over to the bartender and gave her a hug, tipped my waitress, threw the deuces to our shared homie, and after putting on my long, black winter coat and throwing my Macbook back into my leather shoulder bag -- looking like a future black senator, I might add -- I extended my hand to shake that of my new, ignorant-to-his-own-racism friend and said:

"You're actually a cool cat, besides your bullshit. Hope you think twice about your picture and the N-bomb in the future. Oh, and happy MLK day."

9.06.2008

DIG THIS: ROLLING STONE'S 25 FUNNIEST WEB VIDS

Photobucket


Rolling Stone just dropped it's "25 Funniest Web Videos" list, and it already stole an hour of my Friday night, because I'm a nerd like that. I won't give it all away, but I had to put this one up again, because in my view this could have easily been #1:




R.S. used a different version, but I think the one ^ was actually much funnier and straight to the point. By the way, this happened in the "D", where it's so cold.

8.30.2008

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 39 - MCCAIN'S PAIN

Photobucket


I have to apologize to my readers, because now I get what's happening, and as of right now, I'm taking the bait. So this will be the last time I write an entire post about what the hell is or isn't going on with this. But for now, I have two separate theories as to why Senator John McCain chose Governor Sarah Palin as his VP candidate.


1. Either McCain hit it when Palin visited him on a LATE NIGHT SECRET FLIGHT to Arizona last week, and she put that thang on him so badly that he gave her a key to a room in the White House for some late-night creep action in 2009,


OR...


2. McCain is spitting in the face of the Obama campaign, saying with subtlety that since OBAMA IS A CELEBRITY, the Republikkkan party can create it's own star, while still having a balanced ticket with a Senate veteran, just like the Dems. Except, the roles would be reversed.

The argument sounds like this. If Biden beats Palin in the VP debates, that means nothing, because, historically, no one votes for a VP anyway. Plus, she's just a politically made celebrity, so it's no big deal if she can't overcome any expectations.

The GOP probably thinks that this neutralizes Senator Obama. They think he has no experience, so they got someone with even less experience than zero. So now, the fight is between Biden and McCain. Both are long standing U.S. senators, and both have a wealth of foreign policy and government experience. But since Biden is not the presidential candidate, it makes Obama look bad, I guess.


All of that is a crazy gamble, but it still doesn't knock down the biggest question:

Is this the best person McCain could find to be president after him, in case he's not available? And if it isn't (and let's be honest - it isn't), what does that say about his judgment?

Seriously, I think he hit it.
Photobucket

8.29.2008

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 38 - I’M BRAIN DEAD

Photobucket


Alright, I'm back. But bad news: My mind is blown. It's so bad that I have foregone any attempt at being productive, so I will settle for being effective and just share my mental breakdown with you, oh my brothers and sisters.

These are the thoughts runnin’ through my mind, in no particular order. Seriously, I am stunned at the choice of Governor Sarah Palin. I can barely focus on things I need to do because this is absolutely crazy and unexpected.

Here’s the randomness:



• Be not confused; this is GREAT for the Democrats. But I just can't understand how the Republikkkans would kill themselves like this.

• Today is John McCain’s birthday. He turned 72. That means that if he were to serve a full 8-year term as POTUS, he would leave office at 80. I have no words for that.

• Governor Sarah Palin is 44. She is a first-term governor of Alaska and has 2 years on the job.

I can’t believe this…

• The term I keep hearing on the news is that the vice-president is always “a heartbeat away” from the presidency. When running for POTUS, a VP choice would need to be ready to assume the responsibilities of Commander-in-Chief at any time. Huh?

• CNN’s Jack Cafferty absolutely roasted Palin on Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room today. As he said, the Republikkkans gave the Democrats "an early Christmas."

• Remember that America is involved in the War on Terror, which has us bogged down in Afghanistan, Iraq and could take us into Iran very soon. Does she have any – any – foreign policy expertise? I know she's a member of the NRA, but does having a gun mean that you can run multiple wars and the economy? WTF?!

• The job she held before being elected governor was mayor of a town in Alaska that has less than 6,000 residents. Westbumba-clat, Alaska, I believe is the name.

…………

• There is only one tactical victory for the GO-Pee in this spectacular moment in historic political fuckery. Nobody is really talking about Obama. Not even me.

• This has fried my brain. The only fear I have is that since this is so unexplainable, it might have the effect of a mass lobotomy, and we will all become walking zombies, mental vegetables, and just start agreeing with everything. Jesus, this is so random.

• Senator John McCain just gave the Democrats the gift of political victory over the GOP, hopefully for generations and not just four years. And it's his birthday, not ours.

??????????

• Governor Palin is under investigation in her state, for possibly having a role in the firing of a State Trooper. The trooper was her brother-in-law. Nothing corrupt about that.

• Desperation is so unattractive. The Republikkkans have no game at all. What is this woman doing in this party? She is kind of cute…

• Imagine the Vice Presidential debate, coming soon to your favorite television news network. Trust me, if you’ve never trusted me before: Senator Joseph Biden is going to effortlessly take her apart – no question. All he has to do is ask her on live television to tell him anything about anything in the world.

• On the low, this is insulting as hell to women. Maybe on the high. McCain basically said, with the national microphone, "Look here, bitches: I picked up this strange married MILF from Alaska. So vote for me, because all you broads are the same anyway. Oh, and don't get pregnant accidentally anytime soon!! We ain't havin' it, but you are!!!"

!... ?... !

• This is what you call political pandering, and my guess is that Senator Clinton’s “Hillraisers” support group is going to see right through this as soon as the Democrats begin to mount their assault.

• Seriously, I just knew that the GOP would make this harder. I’m shocked. Happy that they made the wrong move, but disappointed at their stupidity and taking all the fun out of the game.

??!!?

• I agree with David Gergen. It should have been Mitt Romney. That would have made sense. How would you feel today if you were Mitt Romney? You know how much chee$e that fool spent trying to be McCain's flunky? FAIL.

• Republikkkans have got to be nervous as hell.

• Wow. She's a journalism graduate. Journalism is dead.

• I gotta call my Dad and my older brother. I know they’re tripping as well.

• I need a drink.

• They say that Palin hasn’t even been “vetted” by the media yet. God, how bad is this shite going to be??

• She came in 2nd in the Miss Alaska '84 pageant. Damn. But, like I told the homie GARLAND earlier, I can’t front. Palin is thick, and I would beat.

! ! ! ?

• Jesus. Obama and Biden won’t even say anything bad about her. That’s smart; they don’t even need to. They can let the rest of the world wobble on its axis today and just remain cool. See, that’s why I like Obama. Cooler heads prevail.

• Meltdown… We are witnessing the meltdown of a major political party... My brain is farting…

• The only president to take the oath and enter the Oval Office older than McCain was Ronald Reagan. You know he had Altzheimer's.

I have to leave this house, or I will suffer complete and total mental collapse.



I’ll be back later. Maybe not until tomorrow. Help me, Jesus. Help me, Tom Cruise.

8.26.2008

HIP-HOP REPUBLICKINS: DEAD ON ARRIVAL

Grab your barf bags... It's time to meet Tiffany Shorter and Richard Ivory, possibly the lamest black people alive.




Believe it or not, I am very tolerant of Republikkkans. I understand some of their long-standing ideas on governing and freedoms, and I do remember that Abraham Lincoln was a member of the GOP. The problem with this is that these two twits are trying to mesh the ideology of the GOP with the cultural significance of Hip-Hop, as if you can belong to Hip-Hop culture and still remain a Republikkkan. The two are not now and will never be compatible.

In my own opinion, it is disgusting that Richard Ivory (ironic) says in the video that he likes Nas, the rapper who recently tried to name his album Nigger and was censored due to pressure from Reverend Al Sharpton, with help from Bill O'Reilly. By the way, how sad is it that the surest way to combine the persuasive powers of the far right and the far left is to try to make a piece of recorded art that investigates the power of a word?

I would bet money that Nas wouldn't like Richard or his ladyfriend. He even says around the 7:06 mark that he wants to see a black Republikkkan win a congressional seat representing Harlem in the next 20 years. Pardon me for a second...

*puking on myself*


Whew! Ok, back to the story, it is also vile that Tiffany Shorter says that she admires Richard Nixon around the 3:30 mark. She says that he was a moderate Republikkkan who instituted Affirmative Action, which she believes was needed at the time, yet she is now "ambiguous" about the program. What she probably doesn't know is that Nixon also allowed the infamous GOP "Southern Strategy" of using racism to begin under his oversight, which helped his party retain the electoral voting bloc of the south. In other words, starting Affirmative Action was probably the least that Nixon could do for turning the racial hatred that seethed beneath the Mason-Dixon Line against the party of Lyndon Johnson, who actually listened to great men like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Sure, we can get jobs at quota numbers from Republikkkans, but we can't have the power to create political change without a Democrat.


I look at Richard and Tiffany's faces, which have the putrid look of moral superiority and/or intellectual elitism, and I wish I could pepper spray them through my laptop screen. I am very averse to smart people who let themselves be promoted as racial pioneers by racists who use them as lab rats. Black Republikkkans are nothing but doppelgangers, like all Republikkkans. I look at them as walking brain-dead corpses, trying to recruit the rest of us into a hellish existence just so that they'll have company as they wait for a plate of dinner scraps to slide under their doors from inside the master's house.

8.24.2008

THE D IS DEAD

I tried and tried not to post this video, but as you see I have failed. I was just going to let it go and let people find it on all the other blogs, but no. I just had to have it. Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, I present to you the absolute worst song and video that currently exists on earth.




How old are these kids, and why are they in a graveyard? What the hell is going on?

8.21.2008

I'M DEAD @ THIS

Photobucket


Angel Pantoja Medina is dead, but don't tell nobody. Especially not his mother and family. They're obviously just not ready for the truth. And I'm not ready for the next trend in funerals and wakes.

This dude was found under a bridge. They still don't know how he died. But for some reason, he had made a prehumous request to be embalmed in a way that would allow him to remain standing for three days during the wake process. His family said he wanted to stand tall and be happy. So they got him posted up in the corner of the house, looking like the hardest man alive dead. Yo...


Photobucket


*Heebie Jeebies just kicked in*


Yo, yo, yo... All I can say is that this might be the illest ever. Definitely a contender for the "WTF-'08" Award. Don't let this catch on in the hood. Please, no thank you. I'm afraid of the future.

Photobucket


Jacque'd from DLISTED.

8.20.2008

SOBRIETY IS DEAD

Photobucket
[Me, right now, after last night's horrible fourthmeal choice]


Still recovering from last night. Here's some free advice: Don't eat collard greens at 4am, on top of 100 ounces of Heineken and two shots of Patron. Your stomach will lock up like San Quentin and you'll be in bed for 24 hours, like me right now.

Speaking of getting overthrowed, here is a clip that I've been waiting for, even though I didn't expect to see it remixed like this. I don't know if you watch Intervention, but it's one of the best shows on TV. It really doesn't get any realer.

The last episode I saw was about a girl named Allison. She's far from your average geek monster. I mean, this chick is the biggest fiend that I've seen thus far. Hell, I didn't even know that people actually got high off inhalants after the 2nd grade. That's up there with sniffing glue and breathing in unleaded gas fumes. I just don't get it. These people never heard of the chronic? Way safer, that's all I'm saying.

But anyway, here's the clip.




Kids, don't do drugs. Those things Allison sucks are meant to blow the dirt off your computer keyboard. Legal or not, you probably don't want your lungs to freeze and shatter inside your chest.

Where are the Reagans when you need them?

8.12.2008

THE SOURCE: BACK FROM THE DEAD?

Photobucket


I was lurking checking out the news today, and noticed that The Source hired Spike Lee to shoot two of the four alternate covers for its 20th anniversary issue. Shout to NAHRIGHT and MISS INFO.


Reader Challenge:

If you can find the typographical error on the cover of the 20th anniversary issue of The Source, you'll win THE UNDERWRITER'S WEEKLY PRIZE!!!


Sorry to say it, but it doesn't look good for the long-awaited sike comeback of The Sauce. Not that I'd buy it even if it was a classic; from what I hear, they still owe a few good writers I know a few thousand duckets. I can't get with that.

8.07.2008

THE OBAMA CRUSADE: Day 24

Photobucket


TODAY (Really yesterday, but so what):


This has been out for a day, but it is still... I almost can't believe I'm saying this... impressive. Paris Hilton has responded to Senator John McCain's horrible TV ad with her own short, with help from Will Ferrell's comedic website, FUNNYORDIE.COM. In the vid, she lambastes McCain as a geezer, while leaving Obama's name completely out of the line of fire. Looks like the Hilton Family is regretting that $4,600 check they cut to the Republickin candidate, and might be switching sides.

Anyway, here is the video, which is a classic. I mean, I might even respect Paris now. I don't know what to believe anymore... I'm so confused.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die



Yo, not only are the jokes funny, and not only does she look pretty good, and not only does she show that she can be very articulate when asked axed, but damn... her energy policy sounds like the best idea that I've heard thus far.


“I never thought I’d say this, but Paris Hilton’s plan is sound,” said Peter Beutel, an energy analyst at Connecticut’s Cameron Hanover.

“I’ve maintained all along that we need the best (ideas) of the political left, the best of the right and the best of the center. We need bipartisan ideas welded together. If Paris Hilton gets into the act with her plan, I’m all for it,” Beutel said.

“So now we’ll just have to see what Britney has to say and maybe combine them both into a policy,” said Art Kinsman, a spokesman for AAA Southern New England.


SOURCE: THE BOSTON HERALD



I'm dead @ this. It's, like, totally the hardest thing Paris has ever done. I can't even say any more on this one. Holla at me later.

Shout out to Rihanna.