RACISM AIN'T DEAD YET...

Before you go all Obama/Dr. King/Biggie Smalls crazy with the rest of your holiday weekend, I just thought I'd come back to say hello and burst your bubble with regards to race relations in America, and specifically in the south.

Absolutely 100% true story:


Last night, after doing research for the job, I went to my old bar hangout in Marietta, GA. It's called Churchill's Pub. You don't normally see a lot of black folks in and out of there, but they do come through. I get treated like some sort of celebrity by the staff and owners, simply because I've weathered 2 years of coming in consistently. Working across the street at another bar made it accessible, and the fact that they have really good food, free wi-fi and would let you order a pitcher of beer for yourself were enough to keep me coming, even though I would sometimes sense race hate from the other side of the bar. Which I never pay much attention to anyway, but sometimes I would actually engage the people directly with a sarcastic smile and a knowing look.

It wasn't that way last night, but there was this dude that I know pretty well from seeing him there a lot, sometimes with his mom and dad. He was hanging out with this guy that looked like he was born in a hunting jacket; like he literally fell out of a deer's coochie one morning, reached for a rifle and shot his own mother dead. This guy was short, pudgy and had extremely wild eyes -- probably from meth of coke or... who knows -- and did all he could to get my attention when he played "99 Problems" by Jay-Z on the Rhapsody jukebox. I gave him a salute and even played along with him when he shouted out the lyrics to the part of the song where the officer is talking to Jay. You know: "Cuz I'm young, and I'm black/and my hat's real low/do I look like a mind reader, sir?/I'ont know..."

This is ironic, because 20 minutes later, as I walk over to say what's up to the other homie, he meets me in front of the jukebox, like, "Are you gonna play some shit!!@?? (drunk as hell). I was like, "Um... yeah!?" And he was then like, "YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" So I guess that meant we were cool. It had to mean he had established some type of relationship with me, at least in his mind, because not 5 minutes later, as I'm looking through the web, he does the irritating thing which people always do when I take my computer into a public place -- ask if I'll go to some stupid website or YouTube video. This time, I said "Sure," and actually found this really cool site that showcases a local artist who lost his arm or something and draws completely with his mouth. So I say to him, "That's actually cooler than I expected it to be, my man." And he says, "OH!!! YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING COOL?!??!@@#%?! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, MAN!!*#!"

That's when he pulls out his phone and shows me how he won last year's Halloween costume at a neighborhood party.





I actually got the guy to send that picture to my email address. That's really him. Now, if you're white and reading this, you might be thinking, "Aww, come on, Mike. That's not really racist! It's just a harmless joke! Stop being so damn sensitive and taking all the fun out of something that's not even that big a deal..."

True, true. Sounds great, but what was I supposed to say about the picture of his black dog, who he called his "down-ass nigger" and bragged about how well-trained he is, and why I'd love him, and why I should come over to their house to get really drunk(er) with the whole backwoods family.





I politely declined, shook my head a little and laughed. Finished my drink, turned back to him and asked a very simple question:

"So, did you vote for Obama?"

He said no.

I paid out my tab, walked over to the bartender and gave her a hug, tipped my waitress, threw the deuces to our shared homie, and after putting on my long, black winter coat and throwing my Macbook back into my leather shoulder bag -- looking like a future black senator, I might add -- I extended my hand to shake that of my new, ignorant-to-his-own-racism friend and said:

"You're actually a cool cat, besides your bullshit. Hope you think twice about your picture and the N-bomb in the future. Oh, and happy MLK day."

KNOWING WHEN TO QUIT IS DEAD

This vid that I copped from Failblog.com is funny as hell and I think you should watch it as an introduction piece before I go into this next post:





I guess I'm posting it because it seems like the reporter should have used his common sense and not gotten in the way of an unstoppable force. He looked like the swaggering, confident sports journalist when the vid begins, but alas; he loses his standing, is sent spinning out of control and lands on his American ass.

Then he has the nerve to try to sound "cool" (get it--snow!) while laying on the white. He then collapses. When he is finally helped back up by a supporter whose face shall not be seen, he staggers--not swaggers--off into the distance in shame and stupidity. Maybe he should have questioned the wisdom of trying to be so close to something he couldn't control. This, oh my brothers and sisters, is what happened to still-Governor Rod Blagojevich. He saw the gravy train a-comin' down the mountain and had to be the Christmas turkey that got glazed [nl].





It is reported today that Gov. Blago WILL NAME OBAMA'S SUCCESSOR, in what has to be one of the most defiant political moves I've seen recently, next to Senator Larry Craig's STALLED ATTEMPT AT MAN-LOVE and subsequent refusal to accept even his own guilty plea in court, dragging his public embarassment out longer than necessary.

The move by Gov. Blago has already drawn a line in the snow between himself and THE DON MEGA HARRY REID, with the Senate Majority Leader repeating the party line that any person appointed by the disgraced governor would be blocked. Since it's everyone's intention to have Blago not only impeached but possibly prosecuted, it makes perfect sense that he would not take the idiotic step of tainting SOMEONE ELSE'S good name by telling the world that he--in all of his political morality--has decided that said person was the most qualified for such a powerful and significant position. But politics = Pandora's box, lest we forget...





My question: why is it that Blago keeps shitting on black candidates? Pardon me if my colorblind philosophy is blurring my actual vision, but wasn't President-Elect Barack Obama a black senator? Why would Blago twice put his slimy stamp of approval on two otherwise respectable black men with upward mobility and political aspirations of grandeur? Is this some type of trade-off? Do blacks in Illinois have to pay a penance for Obama's success? Sacrifice two knights to get one king? Checkmate?

Or is this something more politically poisoned? Is Gov. Blago putting his finger in the Obama Administration's proverbial EYE OF PROVIDENCE by spreading his own disgrace among other candidates that share a similar ethnic background to Obama, as long as he is hung out to dry by the new Democratic establishment? Maybe his posturing is a way of saying, "Look here, Mr. Magic Negro; I will not be the only one to fall on this one, so you'd better look for a way to save me and my political legacy before I start flipping even worse than the reporter in that YouTube video above."





And seriously, what does that "Warning" sign next to Blago mean? Is there some subliminal message in the choice of being snapped by a photog next to something that says the word "rats"? Hmmm...

Hopefully Blago will smarten up quickly and realize that he's already fallen. No need to keep playing yourself for the cameras, dude. You are the victim of your own epic fail. Just collect yourself, turn around and walk away. And please don't expose those that tried to help you get back up in the process. Let them have their dignity.

REPRESENTATION WITHOUT TAXATION IS DEAD

First of all, the governor of Illinois looks like an aging porn star. That mop he's wearing is too suspect for words. But if he intended to upgrade to the JOHN EDWARDS HAIRCUT price range, he should have figured out a better and more realistic way to earn the chee$e he needed to pay the bill, instead of charging others to play the political game and getting recorded over a federal wiretap. What a dumbass. But alas, you already know that politicians are not smart. And if you haven't already seen the video of Patrick Fitzgerald, the same U.S. Attorney that brought down Scooter Libby in the C.I.A. leak investigation, then check out this YouTube of Pat reading aloud the alleged words of Governor Rod Blagojevich, which I guess were recorded and transcripted. As you can tell, "bleep" is the new "fuck."




In other political news related to Hip-Hop, CNN.com ran A STORY ON COMMON, Chicago's original native son, and how he believes that Obama will change Hip-Hop for the positive. I have to say that the homie is 100% on point. It's going to be awfully hard to rap about selling drugs, pimping hoes and gang life when the POTUS is a black Harvard Law graduate and has an extremely intelligent wife and two beautiful daughters. Mark my words; it won't be long until Obama has to rebuke some dumb rapper for saying something sexist or crime-related in the same rhyme that he celebrates having a black prez. If Obama will turn his back on a corrupt white dude with whom he had political history, he will certainly throw a cold elbow to Shawty Lo or Gucci Mane or one of those other cats. Shouldn't matter much to them; they can still hurry up and make an Obama song while the frenzy still hasn't peaked. Obama ringtone, anyone?



Everybody is making money off Obama right now, or at least trying. Even my sweet old grandmother fell for the PAINTED OBAMA COIN commercial and paid $29.99 by credit card for a set for your faithful and humble narrator. God bless America. Obama might just sell us out of this recession. The question is, does Obama own his own name, or does it now belong to the American public? Who's really getting taxed, oh my brothers and sisters?



Cash rules everything around me.

KILLING YOU TURKEYS

Somebody get Bryan "Baby" Williams from Cash Money Records on the phone and tell him that Governor Sarah Palin would be an excellent choice if there's an opening at Lil' Wayne's recording home for a new "Birdlady." Not only has she proven over the last three months to be completely incompetent and bird-brained on the national stage, but she obviously doesn't mind some "cut-up", and is proud of herself when it comes to being a "chicken-head."

The milfy, intellectually challenged governor, in another unprecedented display of public relations fuckery, has recently conducted a TV interview in Wasilla, Alaska, in which she probably intended to show mercy and goodwill to a lucky turkey in the spirit of Thanksgiving leadership, but ended up looking like a heartless animal slaughterer auditioning for a starring role in Vick II – The Alaskan Turkey Holocaust, which must be coming out soon in a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime.

There's not much else to say about this, except that Palin's publicity team should definitely have engaged in mass suicide weeks ago on some Branch Davidian ish. Don't worry about seeing anything graphic; MSNBC made sure to blur out any jerkish claw movements, splattering turkey plasma, flying gizzard remnants or airborne beak particles so that you can keep on thinking that the Lawd sends us fresh, pre-butchered turkeys from either Heaven or the North Pole right in time for the holiday season. I'm not even mad at this if Palin was intentionally trying to stage a publicity stunt for to make her upcoming book advance go up a few more millies, but she can pretty much kiss politics goodbye after this. The sleeping public is not ready to see this type of thing.

RELIGION IS DEAD

Thank Jebus it's Friday. Speaking of The Lawd, there's a movie coming out that I'm going to try to see sometime this weekend called RELIGULOUS. It's Bill Maher's journalistic satire of religion, and by most reviewer's accounts, it promises to be funny to OBJECTIVISTS like myself while pissing off most Evangelical neo-conservative lunatics and hopefully every other manipulating servant of Satan that pretends to speak the language of spirituality. You know the type...






I don't know your views on Christianity, Islam or Judaism, but you're more than welcome to ask axe God to strike me down for saying that I am highly interested in what this documentary-styled film contains, or you can just leave a comment and be less dramatic. But if you wish to know, I am neither an atheist nor an agnostic, but I have serious questions about the factual or plain-old believable issues that are preached in the name of The Lawd, especially down here under the bible belt, where assholes and dickheads alike stink up the region with their quiet quest for money, power and fame--all in the name of Jesus Christ, Muhammad or MATISYAHU. God knows he has some strange followers that probably believe that he wrote the Old Testament or some next shit like that. Me? I was raised as a Baptist, and I had to go to chuuch all the got-damn time. I would hear all types of buffoonery. A quick list of some of the nonsense includes:

1. If you kill yourself, you're going to Hell.
2. If you're gay, you're going to Hell.
3. If you say "God Damn" too many times, you're going to Hell.

Now, I can't vouch for two of those, because I'm neither gay or dead from suicide. But I lost my fear of speaking my mind years ago, and sometimes you just can't substitute another phrase for the all-powerful "Gyeaad--DAAAYYUM!!" And besides, don't act like a lot of the men that attend mostly black churches aren't apple bottom biters on the low, if you follow. Maybe on the high... But please believe: God has been very good to me, so don't assume that I'm not a believer. I just don't let another human being get between our relationship, so I really have little to no use for modern evangelists, preachers and such.



The few spiritual leaders that I do respect have always agreed that there is no such thing as an unforgivable sin as long as you've accepted God into your life. The others have always made up things that they claim can be found in The Good Book. By the way, it is a good book, but did you know that the Bible was in fact not written by God? A man actually took the trees that God created on "his" earth, in "his" universe, and cut them into shreds so that he could print money, collect 10% of others' income and give it all back to God. God made man and man made money selling God's magnum opus.



OUCH-- I just got struck by a bolt of lightning! But no, really, what is the point of religion? I see it as a way to control people and to turn the individual hero into a compressed weakling who cannot exist on his or her own terms. Maybe that sounds harsh, but riddle me this: when was the last time you sinned? Probably today. And the wages of sin is... you already know. Death. But guess what? You're gonna die anyway, so stop taking things so God-damned literal and learn to laugh at life while you have it. Sheesh!

I expect to laugh incredibly loud at Religulous, but I do not expect anyone to volunteer to see it with me. And while I believe it will do decent numbers at the box office, I can also clearly see the future, when the zealots start protesting and calling for HBO to cancel his show like Comedy Central did back when he started FREESTYLING about September 11. If there's anything guaranteed in America, it is religious persecution, which is pretty sad when you remember that this country was supposedly founded as an antidote to intolerance.



You mad? Who cares. Take it up with the man, woman or entity upstairs. But please, save your accusations of blasphemy for someone that's stupid. I have always believed that the spirit of God lives in each of us, therefore we can communicate directly with the great spirit without the need of an intermediary or middleman. As long as we have pastors with perms, private jets and penthouse apartments that preach prosperity, I'll happily refrain from spending my sacred Sunday afternoon doing anything as ridiculous as attending a "house of God" that man built and paid for. Isn't God already rich? Doesn't "he" own the earth, as well as the universe? How much sense does it then make to cut down "his" trees, turn them into currency and give 10% of the paper product back to "him"?

God don't like ugly. And yes, I know I might go to Hell for this, but like The Last Poets said, "If there's Hell below, we're all gonna go!"

DIG THIS: ROLLING STONE'S 25 FUNNIEST WEB VIDS

Rolling Stone just dropped it's "25 Funniest Web Videos" list, and it already stole an hour of my Friday night, because I'm a nerd like that. I won't give it all away, but I had to put this one up again, because in my view this could have easily been #1:




R.S. used a different version, but I think the one ^ was actually much funnier and straight to the point. By the way, this happened in the "D", where it's so cold.

DIG THIS: THE HIP-HOP PING-PONG MOVIE

Ping Pong Playa- Official Trailer - The funniest bloopers are right here

What chu know about that PING PONG PLAYA, playa?

That sounded pretty lame, huh? Not as lame as this movie sounds and appears to be, oh my brothers and sisters. It seems that we as a nation are finally crossing the burning sands of race, religion and even the boundaries of geographic location. Now, Chinese people want to "act black", and it's all good. At least, that's what Hollywood wants you to think.

Ping Pong Playa is a movie that's new to U.S. theaters, starting today in Los Angeles and moving east, in which there's a guy named Christopher Wang, a.k.a. Jimmy Tsai, who is the little brother of a champion ping-pong player. He is supposedly "ghetto", and he hangs with a black dude. And that's about it. Not that I've seen it, but joints like this are usually exactly what you'd expect after seeing the trailer, which we now have already done. Lot's of slang, stereotypes and stupidness for young Ivy League Republikkkan weedheads to see and equate to black culture. That sad part is that some of you might buy it when it's hits DVD. SMH.

LEGALLY-DEAD MCs: ASSISTED STAGE DIVING IS DEAD

It was announced that your boy Akon is heading to court on December 1st, unless he has somebody to snitch on or accepts some type of plea bargain. It appears that his fan toss last year didn't go over so well; the 17-year old boy that got literally "throwed off" during a concert performance either decided to press charges or the state of New York just took the liberty of filing them itself.

ANOTHER ANGLE:



Either way, if I were a major Hip-Hop/R&B star, I would think twice about helping a fan to crowd surf. Hell, there's even another person who was in the crowd that says she suffered a concussion because the airborne dude fell on her when Akon did the human shot put. Jesus; these days, everybody is a potential plantiff. Let's see how the judge sees it. Akon better hope that he finds an African judge. It won't be good news if he gets somebody that looks like Wapner.