"SENATOR" ROLAND BURRIS IS DEAD

EDITOR'S NOTE: Look, I don't need no Secret Service problems. That title isn't to be taken literally, so don't get all tight about it and start goon monitoring me from Langley at the secret underworld headquarters of the National Obituary Desk. The concept here is political death, not physical. So leave me the hell alone. I shouldn't even have to say that, but there that go.



Man, I called it. And I'm still calling it now, even though it probably won't be announced until Sunday or Monday. Senator Roland Burris will vacate his Illinois senate seat, and unless he's a complete boob, he'll do it sooner rather than later. That's money.

See, this guy should have known that this was a bad idea all along. You already saw WHAT HAPPENED TO JESSE JR., when he tried his political hand at Obama's former spot, and found out that not every black politician is Barack Obama. Hell, not many white ones (or Jindals) are either, for that matter, so don't get too gassed about your chances. Those are some big shoes to fill, oh my brothers and sisters.

Now that he SOMEHOW GOT IN, he's the loneliest black guy in the Senate chamber, even without the ethical cloud that is raining poop water on his head. Taking the offer (or should I say "deal"?) from former IL governor Blago was stupid in itself - can we say instant self-ether? The smart move would have been to stay out of the line of fire, until the man with the target on his dome was exterminated by the political media's firing squad. Blago was already alluding to his complete coolness with taking others down with him. Some of those statements he made on his TV award tour, prior to his impeachment, had some slick undertones; it sounded to me as if he was quietly saying, "Look, this is how politics is. You pay to play. Now, don't make me have to get Nino in the courtroom on y'all. You know you got money in the freezer too, fool!"





The Democrats have been trying to keep a clean house recently, especially now that they're too busy running the government to expose gay Repubs anymore. But all that means is that the G.O.P(enis) is looking for some retribution rape, now that they're all the way uncovered as racist homosexual morons. You see they got rid of THIS GUY, and THAT GUY, so they're obviously not trying to wait on anybody to slip up, now that they're 1 seat away (Franken's gonna win) from a filibuster-proof Senate vote. That makes Burris the new problem.


I've got to admit that I was disappointed in Congressman Bobby Rush's "lynch" language, at that early press conference when Burris was just named by Blago as Obama's scab. Was it really necessary to bring race into the whole affair? If a black guy was the last person to hold the job, with outstanding performance, how can you assume that the next black guy won't get a fair chance at it -- unless you think that there's some secret issue that could ruin the whole orgy, like 1 person in the group had crabs and didn't bother to inform everyone else. But if you already know how everybody in the clusterfuck of Illinois politics gets down, then you should already know what's up, and you shouldn't show up anyway, now should you? Don't tarnish your gallant reputation by getting in bed with freaks.

Now, Rush, our proud former Black Panther, is sitting his ass down, and Burris having the marble toilet he had mounted blown up from underneath his balls, on some Lethal Weapon 2 ish. And Blago was doing a good Sgt. Riggs imitation, except he didn't stay around long enough to pull Burris's ass away from the explosion, or just to give some spirit-boosting encouragement, like "Guy's like you don't die on toilets."





White House Press Secretary and Obama weed mule Robert Gibbs said with nuanced subtlety on Friday that Burris ought to STEP THE FUCK OFF. The new Governor of Illinois, Pat Quinn, made his position clear by saying that Burris is a WACK MC that should be tossed off stage by the draws. Plus, one of Burris's senate aides told him HE PLAYED HIMSELF, and went back to his former position as the Tony Yayo of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's G-Unit.

So now, "Senator" Roland Burris is looking like Rick Ross. If I were him, I'd pack my bags, steal as much Senate stationery as I could get my hands on, and run back to the lab to record a new political mixtape about his experiences. I might even download it for free.

CHRIS BROWN IS DEAD

Dag, my brothers and sisters. Just when it was becoming media overkill, and people were starting to ask axe that awful question, "Well, what did Rihanna do to deserve it?"... it seems that the guy who has been called "Usher's Replacement" (everyone), "The Young Mike Jack" (Nas), and "hot" (my niece G), is pretty much going to become one of the most reviled men in entertainment since O.J. Simpson, Ike Turner and Kobe 2004. You even have the whole "leave Chris Brown alone" campaign going on, where cats like this guy below share their intuitive thoughts on the situation they know so much about, because they know about shit like this. Plus, "how can guilt look so cute?"





Chris Brown had a great thing going for him, and I don't mean the love of the guy above. He was handsome [ll], talented, young, rich, famous, charming [ll] and even seemed humble. Not at all the type of guy you'd see in one of those animated cartoons, where "the bad guy" is terrorizing some pearly young damsel, as she cries for a superhero to save her from the terror. CB was winning awards, had almost completely wiped clean the spectrum of modern male R&B singers, and was well on his way to at least 5-10 years of upward mobility in his career. Then, his goon hand came crashing down, repeatedly, on a woman. A woman like any other woman, except that she happens to be one of the finest and most famous women walking the planet right now.





I say that the storm was settling, because the major news pundits were starting to weigh in on the subject of the violent beating of Rihanna. Once the major news networks start letting their hacks get at a person, it's only a matter of time before some cash-poor publicist/"crisis manager" would come calling, offering to vigorously defend CB and bring him back to comfortable levels of public relations. Sure, it wouldn't be easy, but people are forgiving when it seems that the media isn't being fair or letting you have the chance to either defend yourself on television or raise even more questions about your effery, like A-Rod's recent roid press conference. It was even looking like Rihanna might show mercy (read: weakness/love), and publicly forgive CB, to take the edge off the incredible shit stain he placed on his own career. T.I., Will and Jada, Terrence Howard and all other types of celebs who probably have their own private or public dirt, were coming out of the woodworks to try to help the rest of us understand that these things probably happen a lot more than we think, and that there are ways to fix them without demonizing the guilty party.





I had my questions as to whether or not there was some incredibly strange situation that led to this beating, even though it was never in question as to whether or not he deserved to be publicly denounced for his actions. You just can't hit women, under any circumstances, is what most people believe. I tend to think that if a woman raises a gun at me, she has earned the right to get her ass whooped, just like a man. Barring that, the only option is to walk away, if your temper reaches the level that you are seriously considering letting your fists fly into her face.

So you can imagine that I was waiting to hear what CB would have to say about the whole ordeal before passing any personal judgment against him. I was also not completely sure of what happened, and there had been no available pictures to document how severe the assault had been. But alas, oh my brothers and sisters, the picture of Rihanna is worth a thousand words, and all of them are the same: "Damn."





When you wake up tomorrow, Chris Brown will be just a figment of your imagination. You won't be able to remember the lyrics to any of his numerous hit songs. You won't think of him as you chew your gum. You won't be able to name three things he did last year in the public eye. All you'll remember is the busted lip, scrapes, scars and swelling on Rihanna's face. And you'll look at her eyes. Closed, but tight, revealing pain that seems deeper than anything physical. She looks helpless, confused, and emotionally hurt to the point that tears won't even fall. And though she is completely beautiful, she is, in the TMZ picture, the new, ugly face of domestic abuse.

This blog is in the memory of Chris Brown's career. It is dead and gone. Hope you ladies enjoyed the show while it lasted.

KNOWING WHEN TO QUIT IS DEAD

This vid that I copped from Failblog.com is funny as hell and I think you should watch it as an introduction piece before I go into this next post:





I guess I'm posting it because it seems like the reporter should have used his common sense and not gotten in the way of an unstoppable force. He looked like the swaggering, confident sports journalist when the vid begins, but alas; he loses his standing, is sent spinning out of control and lands on his American ass.

Then he has the nerve to try to sound "cool" (get it--snow!) while laying on the white. He then collapses. When he is finally helped back up by a supporter whose face shall not be seen, he staggers--not swaggers--off into the distance in shame and stupidity. Maybe he should have questioned the wisdom of trying to be so close to something he couldn't control. This, oh my brothers and sisters, is what happened to still-Governor Rod Blagojevich. He saw the gravy train a-comin' down the mountain and had to be the Christmas turkey that got glazed [nl].





It is reported today that Gov. Blago WILL NAME OBAMA'S SUCCESSOR, in what has to be one of the most defiant political moves I've seen recently, next to Senator Larry Craig's STALLED ATTEMPT AT MAN-LOVE and subsequent refusal to accept even his own guilty plea in court, dragging his public embarassment out longer than necessary.

The move by Gov. Blago has already drawn a line in the snow between himself and THE DON MEGA HARRY REID, with the Senate Majority Leader repeating the party line that any person appointed by the disgraced governor would be blocked. Since it's everyone's intention to have Blago not only impeached but possibly prosecuted, it makes perfect sense that he would not take the idiotic step of tainting SOMEONE ELSE'S good name by telling the world that he--in all of his political morality--has decided that said person was the most qualified for such a powerful and significant position. But politics = Pandora's box, lest we forget...





My question: why is it that Blago keeps shitting on black candidates? Pardon me if my colorblind philosophy is blurring my actual vision, but wasn't President-Elect Barack Obama a black senator? Why would Blago twice put his slimy stamp of approval on two otherwise respectable black men with upward mobility and political aspirations of grandeur? Is this some type of trade-off? Do blacks in Illinois have to pay a penance for Obama's success? Sacrifice two knights to get one king? Checkmate?

Or is this something more politically poisoned? Is Gov. Blago putting his finger in the Obama Administration's proverbial EYE OF PROVIDENCE by spreading his own disgrace among other candidates that share a similar ethnic background to Obama, as long as he is hung out to dry by the new Democratic establishment? Maybe his posturing is a way of saying, "Look here, Mr. Magic Negro; I will not be the only one to fall on this one, so you'd better look for a way to save me and my political legacy before I start flipping even worse than the reporter in that YouTube video above."





And seriously, what does that "Warning" sign next to Blago mean? Is there some subliminal message in the choice of being snapped by a photog next to something that says the word "rats"? Hmmm...

Hopefully Blago will smarten up quickly and realize that he's already fallen. No need to keep playing yourself for the cameras, dude. You are the victim of your own epic fail. Just collect yourself, turn around and walk away. And please don't expose those that tried to help you get back up in the process. Let them have their dignity.

CHESTER IS ALIVE

Tony Alamo, a man of the cloth, has been watching too much Sesame Street, it seems; thus, his career as an epostle of the Lawd IS OFFICIALLY DEAD. He has been arrested for being a weird pervert, but this is far from the first time. Alamo was convicted of tax-related charges in 1994 and given a four-year prison sentence, after the IRS claimed that he owed $7.9 million to the government. Prosecutors argued during the trial that he was a flight risk, a polygamist and a weirdo, who not only prayed for forgiveness but also preyed on married women and young girls in his flock.





According to his beliefs and theology, a woman is ready to marry at the point of puberty. It says so in the bible, according to whatever chapter he's read. He and his now deceased wife Susan founded a Christian ministry in 1969. When she died in 1982, he KEPT HER IN THE BASEMENT, asking his followers to pray over her displayed body so that she would rise like Lazarus. Wow.





This most recent arrest occurred at the hands of the F.B.I., at his cult compound in Arkansas five days after his 74th birthday:

On September 20, 2008, federal and state investigative agents raided the Arkansas headquarters of the ministry as part of a child pornography investigation. This investigation involved allegations of physical abuse, sexual abuse and allegations of polygamy and underage marriage. According to Terry Purvis, mayor of Fouke, Arkansas, his office has received complaints from former ministry members about allegations of child abuse, sexual abuse and polygamy since the ministry established itself in the area. In turn, Purvis turned over information about the allegations to the FBI. Alamo denied the child abuse allegations. On September 25, 2008, Alamo was arrested by Arizona police and FBI agents in Flagstaff, Arizona on charges that he transported minors over state lines for sexual activity in violation of the Mann Act.

SOURCE: WIKIPEDIA

Here's a video of how Alamo, pronounced "A-Lame-O" by the Fox News personality interviewing him, believes that the Lawd will deliver him from the wickedness of the world, and how women shouldn't yap their stupid mouths off.





Jesus, what evil hath men done in thy name? R.Kelly wears Jesus pieces on the regular, and he pees on any pre-pubescent Punky Brewster he pleases. Nobody complains, and his star stock actually rises. He can even get on TV and come across as Chesterly as ever, taking no responsibility for anything he may have done while asking heaven for a hug.





But that's still not enough. Did you know he started a business selling sequined denim jackets under his own name, and his failure to report his revenues to the IRS would land him in prison for tax evasion? I mean, what kind of pervert makes his living selling stonewashed and airbrushed denim? No wonder he was ashamed of claiming his earnings.





Catholic priests have been fondling a lot more than their own balls and bibles, oh my brothers and sisters. Some, it seems, may secretly use their Rosary beads on themselves, if you follow. Then you have the whole "gay marriage" debate, which in my opinion is not worthy of any debate. Civil unions are just fine with me, but marriage is and should always be used for lovers of the opposite sex. This is not a religious issue; it's a natural one. I thought that one of the major reasons to get married was so that your child would not have to go through life with the title of "illegitimate." But now that's all dead, and the children are going to be raised by couples made of husbands and wives that can ask axe each other, "How's it hanging, honey?" How do all of the fatherless bastards of today feel about this, I wonder?





This is what happens when we condemn sex as an ungodly act. Not only do people go underground with their weirdness and freaky ambitions, but the criminals become the equals of people who aren't even committing crimes. I just hope that the true believers out there take this as a message and start getting serious about cleaning up their churches--from the inside out. Nolo.

I wonder who's gonna be next?

THIS WEEK'S OBITUARIES

You already know what time it is.



CAREER-DEAD MCs
Kwame Kilpatrick.

I know you can't die twice, but today it became official. With the loss of his law license, a 4-months sentence and a 7-figure fine, it's safe to say that the saga of the "Hip-Hop Mayor" is finally done. The "D" just got a little less cold.




LEGALLY-DEAD MCs
Kenneth Smith.

I don't have a photo of this guy, but according to THE SMOKING GUN, Kenneth Smith was arrested on September 3 for wearing baggy pants. The legal charge is "exposure of undergarment in public." He is a first offender, so under the law in Florida, where he was charged, he faces a $150 charge. If caught three times, he could be sent to jail for thirty days. America hates Hip-Hop.




REALLY DEAD MCs
Don LaFontaine.

In a world where you can make your own career path, enjoy notoriety without having to show your face and reap great financial benefits, Don L. was the king. He died on Tuesday from complications from pneumothorax, which is a collapsed lung that causes air to build in the pleural cavity. Whatever that means. But hey, he was a microphone fiend, and his voice is famous as hell. That's Hip-Hop.




HISTORICALLY-DEAD MCs
Mother Teresa.

The Queen Mother of spiritual pursuits left us on this day, September 5, 1997. Though there have been recent reports that she QUESTIONED HER BELIEF IN GOD, she is still widely remembered as something like a living saint while she existed among the living. Even in death, she remains highly influential and a beacon of hope for those who believe in the power of love over the love of power.




Life is a celebration. Enjoy ever minute. Tomorrow is promised to none of us, so accomplish something great today so that we will still be talking about you tomorrow.

C'entanni!