JIHAD BALLOUT - Hardest Name in the Game (nolo)
Yo, let me say first that I have never seen any newscast of this Al-Arabiya television news reporter named Jihad Ali Ballout. But I heard the name once while listening to NPR, and I couldn't believe it was the truth until I LOOKED HIM UP. And that's when I found my newest alias. The illest name anybody I've ever heard of ever had.
Some cats just have it so sweet that they get dope names at birth, like Michael Jordan. But some cats have ill names that make you wish your parents weren't too pus to give you an emperor's title. I mean, there's some college football cat named Captain Motherland , or something like that. He plays for Tennessee, I believe. Hell, maybe it's South Carolina. I don't remember. I was bartending while I was watching the game with drunk white friends, and you already know the bartender gots to gets down...
Wait... yeah, he plays for South Carolina. I remember that, because the cats who put me on to him (nolo) told me he was the truth. But even they, being the white Americans that they admittedly are, agreed that his last name should have been Motherland instead of whatever it really is. I don't remember. But I do remember that TENNESSEE WON. Yesssss.
CAPTAIN MOTHERLAND. That's his name, eff what his mama call him.
But CAPTAIN MOTHERLAND sounds pretty offish if you ask your homie. He could have been a Marvel superhero, like an African X-Man that would come around and knock Storm off every other year. I'd let one of my hundreds of internet sons rock that name, if I would have stuck around and raised their sorry asses...
I can think of a few cats in rap music with ill names, such as BROTHA LYNCH HUNG and of course D.V. ALIAS KHRYST (wtf?). But when it comes to being a regular ass news anchor, how the eff do you get lucky enough to have the Greatest Name Of All Time (GNOAT) and be in fools' faces like feces every day?
It seems like Jihad Ballout's TV show would be the crunkest shit since Red Bull. I can't imagine him being a calm, level-headed personality at all. It would be so poetically wrong. But then again, if he tried to live up to my expectations of such a street-certified name, he'd have to literally ride a Humvee on set as the broadcast begins, with two Mad Max broads wearing bullet belts for bras and a 50-caliber chopper hoisted on top. Then he'd have to jump off the jeep, pull out mad scrilla and make it rain on his own hoes and hit the news desk in some ill Saudi Arabian threads and rocking the Dubai-imported sunglasses on some Dallas Austin ish, like, "Yeah, cuz. It's your boy Jihad Ballout, partying like it's a holy war. We got guns, hoes, missiles, infrared mu-phuckin beams, $2.50 margaritas from 5pm-7, silencers, tazers, orgies, Purp, assault rifles... the whole T.I.P. And we brangin' em out, here on Al-Arabiya TV.
But first, the weather..."
Dude does look like he stays sufficiently tho'ed in the game. Look at the deep, saggin eye area. That's straight Hen-dog right there. You can't tell me that shit ain't the truth. I might change my name to his, just so some of my sons can be Jihad Ballout Jr.
I challenge anybody to produce a harder name that somebody was actually born with. Not a rap name.
Don't worry - I'll wait...