HEAD: DEAD OR ALIVE?

I’m a little distracted. I’m watching Donna Brazile on Anderson Cooper (nolo) 360, giving commentary on the newest debate between Barack Obama and … uh… I forgot, but Ms. Brazile (if ya nasty) has my heart racing. Forgive me if this one gets a little freaky, but I started thinking about oral sex for some reason, and I have a question I'd like for you to ponder, in the hope of making a point.

The question is quite simple. If you had the choice of your preferred method of sexytime with the partner of your choice, assuming that you are looking for the opposite sex, what is your favorite? I’ve been pondering this one for a long time, and it comes up (nolo) in conversation on the reggie. In my opinion, nothing is more safe or moral than decapitation. You know it as head. Not to go pr0n on you, but the truth is that sex is natural; sex is good. No George Michael. I’m just saying that not only men but women also enjoy the metaphysical phenomenons known as Fellatio Alger or Cunnilingus Rice. But I can recall a time when I was younger, when girls would swear up and down that they weren’t down with the get-down. The reasons girls gave for this were usually as follows:





Now that I'm past the age of 25 and I spend time talking to women, not girls, they don’t seem so aggy about it. I’ve noticed that once women cross the sands of time and get college degrees or fatherless children of their own, they don’t have such a hard time with free trade. (Chuckle.) When you are old enough to be responsible for your own car insurance and have an ID that says, “I can get into the old folks club,” you hear life through a new set of ears. Women say things closer to this:





So you can imagine my dumbfounded mental state when I finally decided to do a lil’ research and found some disturbing statistics. It looks like the kids are way ahead of us, and as the world turns, they’re turning into booty freaks. Here’s the gist.

Supposedly – gasp! – teenagers are into sex. And they’re having it all kinds of ways. Below you can check out statistics provided by William Saletan of Slate.com. Remember, this is his quote, and I’m not co-signing until I’m done reading the report. I’m just too lazy and comfy to investigate fully right now. If you want to scan through the details for confirmation, please do you. I’mma do me!





“There's no delicate way to put this, so I'll just quote the survey report: ‘For males, the proportion who have had anal sex with a female increases from 4.6 percent at age 15 to 34 percent at ages 22–24; for females, the proportion who have had anal sex with a male increases from 2.4 percent at age 15 to 32 percent at age 22–24.’ One in three women admits to having had anal sex by age 24. By ages 25 to 44, the percentages rise to 40 for men and 35 for women. And that's not counting the 3.7 percent of men aged 15 to 44 who've had anal sex with other men.”


Word to T-Pain: NO-LO; NO-Lo, No-lo, no-lo!
More below:


“According to data released earlier this year by the Centers for Disease Control, the probability of HIV acquisition by the receptive partner in unprotected oral sex with an HIV carrier is one per 10,000 acts. In vaginal sex, it's 10 per 10,000 acts. In anal sex, it's 50 per 10,000 acts. Do the math. Oral sex is 10 times safer than vaginal sex. Anal sex is five times more dangerous than vaginal sex and 50 times more dangerous than oral sex. Presumably, oral sex is far more frequent than anal sex.”


To be fair, the author was actually trying to take the conservative high road after that last sentence, but I’m an excellent editor. I use what I need and throw away the rest, as long as I’m pleased. Sorry. In this case, I didn’t feel as if more needed to be repeated; head is good, and if people are going to be freaks, it’s better for our health care system and our ideals of reciprocated love for us to go oral instead of anal. Conservatives can be correct sometimes, when you decode their dookey.

But back to the issue; is this where the kids are heading? Is Soulja Boy Tellem responsible for this ass-pokery, or is it B2K and Chris Stokes? Can you blame all these oily, shirtless rappers that Interscope loves to promote? Hell, they know that everybody may not have breasts or a vagine, but we all have assholes and opinions. That doesn’t make either of them worth exploiting for personal pleasure or perversion. I don’t condone teen sex, but when I was a teen, I was getting busy, as you should have been. To me, natural sex includes V.O. That means vaginal and oral, and maybe a little Seagrams. I’m not telling teenagers to get more head, but I am telling them to chill on their A-game. It’s more likely to land you a disease, make your dong really stink and create a bad sensation within the soul. You don’t want that. You want decapitation. Head saves lives. Make sure you’re setting a good example for the future, oh my brothers and sisters.


Ain’t no shame. Don’t say I never tried to told you something good.