CHIVARLY IS DEAD - Part 2

So the Democratic presidential candidates had another debate in Iowa. That's in case you care enough about politics to know that the Iowa caucuses are coming, and that this is the first state in the Union to hold a primary election for the office of Supreme Overlord of America. You do, of course, remember that right to vote we have, that so many people fought and died for, don't you? And we are less than 12 months from the first Tuesday in November 2008, are we not? But who cares about life on earth anymore, right?

As you know, or again, maybe not, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois is cranking that Ike Turner (RIP) on Senator Hillary Clinton of New York in all the polls except national ones, which of course don’t count until the Democratic National Convention and nomination time. Not only do the numbers show the black man running in sync with Clinton in Iowa, but in a surprise shift HE HAS "TRIMMED" HER LEAD IN THE NEW HAMPSHIRE POLLS to less than one percentage point. This is relevant because Hillary invested a lot of cash and staff personnel in N.H. early, setting it up as a political firewall state to stop rival candidates from taking her current status as frontrunner, much like Mitt Romney has done quite effectively on the Republican side of thangs. He can lose Iowa and still run away with the nomination.

The difference is that it seems to be working more in Mitt Mormon’s favor than Billary’s. If Romney loses Iowa, he’ll still own Mike Huckabee in N.H., and keep his status as the GOP contender to beat. If Hillary loses Iowa and New Hampshire to Black Alabama, that will mean that my man will be the true Jesus Christ Superstar of the Donkey party, as the artists have predicted... Nolo.




If it were my call, considering that Obama could possibly get the nod but is currently running almost 20 points behind Hillary in Michigan, where ol' Mitt used to be a millionaire polygamist Governor, he'd better get the same strategy going right now in his home state. Gotta make sure Obama doesn't get those drunk and hot girls from Rock City on his team when he pimps his tourbus through town for the Michigan primaries.





Obama has a classic line when he is asked whether or not he would consider joining Hillary Clinton on the Democratic ticket. His response goes something like, “Well, that all depends on whose name is on top.” Maybe that’s not a direct quote, but it’s close enough that I’m comfy-cozy with it, and I suggest you get like me. ‘Bama also killed onstage during Thursday night’s Democratic debate with a quick and classy comeback to a question from the audience. To the query of how Obama planned to create changes in foreign policy with so many former Clinton fluffers, HE RESPONDED WITH THIS LINE .

Classic.

Anyway, as long as Black Alabama lets Billary lead without a challenge, he’ll never know what could have been – if only he listened to his inner Pimp-C (RIP) while running for the most powerful job in the world. He can’t debate Hillary on experience, and he can’t criticize hers too sharply, or else when the GOP Swift Boaters come for him she’ll leave him defenseless and without a friend. Let’s face it, it’s hard for a black man to let a white woman lead him, unless it’s Hustle and Flow, his name is Deejay and he’s flat on his ass in Memphis, Tenn. Whoa… that reminds me of the other consequences of being the American H.N.I.C…




RIP Dr. King, of course.

But Obama’s definitely picking up steam. And it seems to be stronger than a temporary swell in ground support; it seems legitimate. Let’s see if it lasts. If not, it would still be good to see him standing next to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and President Hilary Clinton, secure in his historic role as the first black Veep of the USA.








Word to REVEREND AL SHARPTON - pimpin’ ain’t dead.



UPDATE: Clinton apologizes for campaign flunky reminding us that Obama used to get throwed on that George Bush and Christina Aguilera.

No.. NO... NOOOOO!!!!

Damn!! See what happens when you send an intern to do the boss's job?

One of those mindless flunkies from the dead sea of Hip-Hop internet forums recently asked me if he could volunteer his services on the weekend, which drew a firm "NOLO" and a fast "Fuck Off" from yours truly. But then this loser kept begging, saying that he deserved a chance. He needed a mentor, and since I pretty much rule everything in reach of my scythe, I guess he thought I would help. And he consistently sent dead flowers to my ladyfriends with my name on the giftcard, which actually turned out to be a great method of brown-nosing that I'd never before imagined. Now I have a gang of hot girls coming through the crib on the late night to crank that Jada Fire and cook breakfast for your boy in the morning, believing that I'm now ready for marriage.





So while I was getting some underlovin this morning from my new chick...




This idiotic intern of mine took my Scythe List and claimed the life of the wrong man. The name on the docket clearly reads "Mike Terner", but this illiterate scumbag accidentally scythed one of Hip-Hop's most influential persons. You guessed it...




What a tool. Anyway, let's celebrate Ike Turner's life today. Whatever your opinion of the man, the myth and the legend, he's been name-dropped in countless rap songs.


Check the catalog:




"My life's like kinda what my wife's like
Fucked up, after I beat her fuckin' ass every night, Ike!"
EMINEM - "Who Knew", The Marshall Mathers LP


"Put your fingers up if you love hash and cash
I been that way since Ike Turner was kickin Tina ass"
REDMAN - "On Fire"; Muddy Waters

"I wanna holla at that boy Ike Turner
You gotta know it's 'bout the paper and you learn her
About gettin on the corner for your daddy
What love got to do with it, I'm in the Caddy"
PIMP-C - "I'm a Hustler"; The Sweet James Jones Stories

"For now, we gonna plot and premeditate this murder
I heard a nigga say that you can't fuck with Ike Turner
So I'm gonna be that nigga who put these hoes out
Blacked out, locced out
Ready to go all out
And rip a heffa's grill out"
DRE DOG - "Ike Turner"; I Hate You With a Passion

"But if I tell her to turn her head, and I get a light turn up
I'm subject to might turn up, and flip into Ike Turner"
YUNG RO - "Head Turner"; Undagrind

"Make a slick kid mackadocious
Stay away from young girls, I crack a ol' bitch
Wifebeater, like Ike Turner
Carry five heaters and like 9 burners"
PACEWON - "Won"; Telepathy


Oh well, another Hip-Hop pioneer gone with the wind. I thought you knew it was gonna be a cold winter. Rest in peace, Ike. Hope that for your sake God is a man, or your ass is eternally skewered.




UPDATE:

MY HOMIE BUCKLIFE put me up on a couple other famous Ike drops from B.I.G. that I didn't remember when posting. New York, forgive me. Or go eff yourself. Your choice.

"Sade...ooooh I know that pussy tight
smacked Tina Turner, gave her flashbacks of Ike"
The Notorious B.I.G. - "Dreams"; Unreleased (sike)

"That's why I pack a nina, fuck a misdeameanor
Beatin motherfuckers like Ike beat Tina
(What's Love, Got to Do)
when I'm rippin all through your whole crew..."
The Notorious B.I.G. - "Machine Gun Funk"; Ready to Die




Biggie Smalls is the illest... (RIP)

SURVIVING THE TIMES

Oh, yes, good reader. The world is crazy. It's getting live outside these days, even when it's dead. But the young, everlasting UNDERWRITER still has fits of happiness every now and again, even in the sarcastic sense of the word "happy." Sometimes I'm just happy to get through another day of the falsery of this fonky ass world. Other times, I'm happy to have cold beer and the purpitrator on deck during the Autumn drought in Georgia. So hell no, I don't feel like partying all the time. Shit is wicked on these mean streets and dirt roads of America. Sometimes it makes sense to sit at home and do you (nolo). It beats being an unlikely casualty. With all the fucksmanship that has been going on in the world recently, it's all about safety and patience these days.

So here are some links to recent announcements of unexpected good fortune for a few lucky bastards in the news. Of course, this is all depending on what your definition of "good", and of course, "is", is. Enjoy.



STAYIN' ALIVE:


BOBBY PETRINO - No More Bird Flu (AJC.COM)




AMY WINEHOUSE - Because The Recording Academy Loves Geek Monsters (NYTIMES.COM)




MIKE HUCKABEE - Mitt Romney is my Fluffer (DESMOINESREGISTER.COM)




YOUNG BEAR KILLER - King of All Children (YARDBARKER.COM)




Scooter Libby Pardoned? Nah. JACKIE RAY CLAYBORN? Word!! - I Guess George Bush Cares About Black People After All (AP)





Oh, and shout to Ike Turner. More on that later...


Centanni, baby. May you continue to live long and prosper. Or die slow and surrender. Your choice.

A World Without Writers = Hell

You, unlike me, might like to watch TV all the fucking time.

You might even find the stale jokes on modern television satires, sit-coms and African-American minstrel comic variety shows to still be funny, twenty-something years after the ideas were first stolen, then re-introduced to our society, then manipulated by corporate executive board members into everlasting money machines for witless stockholders and commercial advertisers.




I have a great respect for comedians, because they have always been brave enough to say something super fucked-up, knowing that you'll probably just laugh their jokes off as harmless comic relief from modern life. But secretly you agree, because these jokes are true, which makes them funny in the first place, I guess. These are our great orators and public speakers, because they are willing to expose their scariest creative thoughts to the public, knowing that they are nothing more than water cooler folly for the next work day. And nothing sucks like being a genius among Gumps, especially when they don't get the pun of your jokes and you never see the monetary benefits from being brilliant in your craft.





Some of our generation's dead greatest comedians first introduced the ideas of racial and cultural differences to society as grounds for comedy, just to have them stolen and abused, over and over, by the corporate suit society that controls modern media. Maybe that's why I support the writer's strike going on in Hollywood right now. Not just because I'm a writer, but mostly because I believe in equal pay for equal work, especially when it comes to creative minds. Whether the business counts blacks, Mexicans or women as its underling employees, we as "the talent" shouldn't be considered as just "help", at least in my opinion. We drive commerce.





You see, the truth is that Hollywood and the entertainment industry as a whole - not just comedy - is a comedy of errors, and the creative society has been essentially re-selling the same jokes around for the last forty years, acting like we can't come up with anything new. In my opinion, this is mostly because the writers want more for their hard work, which they deserve. Ask Dave Chappelle. 50 million just ain't enough. Put another zero behind that bitch's ass, and then I might hit it for life. If not, go get another welfare-happy sucker, because I want more for my mind - especially if you're getting 500-million for my ideas and I'm stuck with a measly 10%.




The truth about this whole stand-off is that the business is changing, and the suits don't want to include the talent in their estimates of incoming cash flow. They want us to be ignorant, yet the writers are infinitely smarter than them, so we figured out their scam and decided to rebuke their offer of little-to-nothing. We figured that it's high time to renegotiate those old-ass contracts so that they reflect the age of the internet. But of course, the suits will never go fully along with overturning power and financial freedom to the creatives. We're just not capable, at least in their minds, of keeping the lights on while pondering the next great gift to the entertainment media community, so they say. So the geniuses of new ideas will always be at odds with the prodigies of the old money establishment. But that's the great war anyway, so who am I to act like I won't fight for my freedom? If my ancestors did it - under hella worse circumstances - who am I to fuck tradition up?





I knew you'd understand. And if you don't, I always knew you were an imbecile.

Creative minds come with deep issues, oh my brothers and sisters. Better yet: uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. You already know my opinion on this one; the writer is the landlord. Without my shit, Mr. or Mrs. CEO, you have no floor upon which to stand.

Oh yes, THE UNDERWRITER is just that arrogant when it comes to his craft, and I figure that you should get like me. My advice for new writers is simple; get behind (nolo) any talent that you possess that can uplift you from the depths of society's sicknesses. I mean, the elites killed Jesus back in the day; why the eff wouldn't they destroy Hip-Hop and urban culture's finest? Hollywood is burning right now, and all the liquor in the cabinet couldn't make an arrogant Hollywood powerbroker capable of creating a hit television series on his own. The creative pen burns eternal, and if you won't invest in a Montblanc, you'll be stuck with a Bic.





There are at least two partners involved in the development of any successful new entertainment idea - those who fund it and those who create it. In the entertainment business, those who make the production connections sometimes feel more important than the very talent upon which they rely to make shit happen. Which is fucked the fuck up, if you ask your homie.

It is the ultimate negotiation point that without the creative minds of the writers, the enterprise of entertainment would wither and fall. So pay like you fucking weigh, bitches. I can write something that I own for free, whether I get paid or not. Tell that to the home audience.


Signed,
Michael Jordan
"THE UNDERWRITER"

New Hip-Hop Obituaries ...... The Drought Is Over.

Wanna hear something fucked up? Good. That's generally the vibe of Hip-Hop right now anyway, so at least you're in good company.


A few weeks ago I wrote a blog. Since Thanksgiving, I've been on a proper vacation from eulogizing Hip-Hop culture, trying to figure out just how this blog is going to be formatted in the new year. Like before, I was planning on writing a new obituary for doomed Hip-Hop stars every week. Then, like the tap water in Georgia, the drought sunk in and there was little to nothing to write about. So I started focusing again on the book I'm writing, while finding something else to do with my scythe...



But how the tides would soon change... Unfortunately for us all, the drought of death in Hip-Hop is always temporary, is it not? Looks like there could be plenty of work for me in the new year if things continue the way they're going.

Let's run it back, shall we?


CAREER-DEAD MCs:
Saigon





It's not like anybody really cares if he ran from Prodigy and Mobb Deep on the night when Prodigy styled on him onstage and he retorted with a Vietnamese knuckle sandwich. So this altercation actually could have gone far in the promotion of his upcoming album. I mean, that "punch you in your face" music only works if you really do it and the crowd can see it happen.

Instead, Saigon apparently became discouraged by shifty music industry policy, missed release dates and probably the lack of a major hit single that could service radio (nolo). And publicly bickering with your label head/producer can't be good for business either. Whatever the case, he posted THIS MYSPACE BLOG announcing his resignation from the rap game.

Sure, we've heard it before, but now it's such a cliche that we as fans are probably hoping it's true. I mean, if you're going to be believed when you speak, at least keep your word and keep it consistent. The worst thing Saigon could do would be to release a new mixtape next week. On the other hand, waiting two more years until he stops feeling some type of way about his contractual situation won't help him to create a buzz either. So...





Let's face it. Only a few of us really care anyway, which really shows that this might have been the best move.

Sayonara, Saigon. Sorry to see you give up so soon. The game needs real MCs, not quitters.

Oh, and speaking of Mobb Deep...


LEGALLY-DEAD MCs

Prodigy




Since it was officially announced that the Mobb Deep MC was going to have to do a three-year bidsky for... whatever, gravity seems to be weighing in. Prodigy has spoken out on radio about his sentence, and how the government is turning him into Malcolm X.

At first, this sounded like some premiere P-Double bullshiite. Then, just a few days ago, he goes and RELEASES THIS SONG. Needless to say, this one is on par with Mos Def's classic "The Rapeover" for it's unabashed truth and lack of fuckgiving. Fan of the man or not, you have to admit that Prodigy is a unique rap artist who can always come back with a dope song, regardless of how many times he's been robbed.

Keep your head up, P.



REALLY DEAD MCs:
Pimp C




This one is crazy. I wasn't as much of a fan of Pimp as I was of Bun back in the days when UGK were the true underground kings. I'm talking back in the early nineties, when other regions outside of The Souf were listening to either Snoop, Biggie, Twista or whoever was close to them geographically.

In Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Louisiana and every other state along the Gulf Coast, Pimp C was that dude. I almost didn't want to admit that I thought Bun B was the better rapper, because people would look at me like I didn't know what was up. I'd get the side-eye, like, "Ok, little dude. Yeah, Bun obviously reads more books, but Pimp is the rawest cat in the game. End of discussion."

I know a lot of cats, from my friends to my favorite southern rappers, are feeling like this is a major loss. They're right. As we see, every notable urban magazine was starting to quote Pimp c for his relentless pursuit of the code of honor among d-boys. Since so many rappers essentially stole his style, you can easily say that he left behind a slew of stepchildren in the rap game. Not all of them will represent him to his own level of personal standard, but at least we'll get a shitload of tribute songs, unreleased recordings and remixes.

You know what Jadakiss said on "We Gon' Make It"...


Rest in peace, Pimp C.

Stay Trill, Bun-B.

UGK For Life, and even in death.


EXTRA:

"Smoke sum'm, bitch."