HIP-HOP SHRUGGED: A Dystopian Fable for the Recession Xmas of 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your favorite blogger will not speak to you tonight. His time is up. I have taken it over. You were to read a post covering bullshit black gossip, stupidity in the form of “urban news” or the current legal fuckery of your favorite rapper—whatever you normally check for on the internet that has recently occurred in the world of Hip-Hop and/or politics. That is what you are going to hear.

For two years, you—the dying music industry of Atlanta—have been asking axing, “Who is Mike Jordan?” This is Mike Jordan speaking. I’m the guy who loves and values Hip-Hop. I’m the cat who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the dude who is relieving you of your victims and thus destroying your world.





And if you wish to know why your record labels are perishing—you who dread fresh, innovative, empowering and creative Hip-Hop music, I am the writer who will now present it to you on this post.

You, the A&R, music executive, program director, record label owner and--hell, yeah--magazine publisher, have said that this is an age of creative crisis in the music business and that southern rap’s sins are destroying Hip-Hop. But your chief virtue has been sacrifice. You have sacrificed innovation to sales. You have sacrificed empowering lyrics to demoralizing chants. You have sacrificed development to current market conditions. You have sacrificed art to commerce. You have sacrificed talent to hustle. You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil, and achieved all that which you held to be good.





Why then, do you shrink in horror at the sound of the Hip-Hop music that surrounds you in your Mercedes-Benz’s Bose stereo system? That music is not the product of your sins. It is the product, the rhythm, melody, lyrical content and chorus of your virtues. It is the moral ideal of your musical reality brought into its full and final perfection.





You fought for it. You have dreamed of it; you have wished it… And I am the man who is helping to grant you your wish. I am removing the sources of all those evils you are sacrificing—one by one. I am ending your battle; I am stopping your cipher. I am depriving your world of The 5th Element.

Writers do not represent the culture, you say? I am withdrawing those who do. Writers are insignificant, you say? I will withdraw those who aren’t. I’m showing them the way to live by another morality: mine. It is mine that they are choosing to follow. Will you soon be crying that this is not what you wanted? The culture of Hip-Hop in ruins, abandoned by its embedded and entrenched yet mentally emaciated writers, reporters and journalists is not your goal? You did not want us to leave?

You damned Atlanta. You damned Hip-Hop but never dared to question your code.

Yes, this is an age of creative crisis but it is not Hip-Hop that is on trial. It is your moral code. And if you wish to go on existing in this culture, what you now need is not to return to creativity but to discover it.


Sincerely Yours,
Mike Jordan

a.k.a. The Underwriter
a.k.a. the black John Galt
a.k.a. The Best Writer Alive
a.k.a. Jihad Ballout Jr.
a.k.a. Perry A. Pelagreeno
a.k.a. Mickey Reagan
a.k.a. Grumpy McNasty


[This blog was inspired by Atlas Shrugged, a book that I highly recommend to any serious reader, writer or thinker.]

BIPARTISANSHIP IS DEAD

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MODESTY IS DEAD: THE OBAMA CRUSADE CONTINUES

Pass the high-class mustard, oh my brothers and sisters. It has been announced that Senator John McCain, who believes that you aren't rich until you have $5 million, IS THE NUMBER 1 STUNNA WHEN IT COMES TO CARS.

Man, it's gotta be nice to be a Republikkkan. You know, once you sign your soul over to Satan, that your whip game will forever be proper. Not only that, but you probably get to drink Arnold Palmers after matches at your exclusive tennis club, while soaking in the steam down in the bathhouse sauna with the other good ol' boys, as you enjoy cigars and political opinions like your own. And after you've made it clear that you're of the same Confederate mind as your contemporaries, you hit the showers, change into an extra-crispy JoS. A. Banks outfit and head over to the pub for a pre-paid meal and a couple of Manhattans before you climb behind the wheel of one of your luxury automobiles - whichever one you drove that day.





Republikkkans have no idea that there's a recession going on. Not that they aren't hearing and seeing all the evidence for themselves, but they can't really be expected to believe that their favorite son, who is currently in charge, let this happen on his watch. Therefore, it didn't happen--that's how the GOP deals with today's economic climate. There is no recession, there is no stock market crisis and there is no problem in the housing sector. The fundamentals of our economy are strong, as long as they can't feel any difference in lifestyle.





I'm still astounded that McCain has managed to fool so many people. He's a member of the party that controls the White House, and while the Senate and House have technical Democratic majorities, neither house of Congress can make anything stick that Bush doesn't like, since all he has to do is push the Veto button. Without a true majority, there's no possilibity of a filibuster. But somehow, someway, people think that the Democrats are responsible for congressional failures. What they don't realize is that without that Democratic majority, things would be way worse. We should be glad they're in those seats, instead of complaining about what they haven't done yet. The Democrats holding down their elected positions are keeping McCain from buying 10 more cars while instituting the type of change that is contrary to what the men who wrote the U.S. Constitution intended. Sure, he supports alternative fuel choices for cars, but he lets his daughter buy a foreign whip?




The only change you can expect from him would be a final stake in the heart of womens' and civil rights, as he ultimately stacks another two right-wingers on top of the Supreme Court. You want to talk about change? What if McCain rolls up to the Capitol in a Rolls-Royce for his first State of the Union address and says the following:

Dear Bitches:

You are no longer free. We are now in the first phase of "Country First", my new plan of action as President. Your government now has the exclusive right to make decisions regarding your body. But congratulations; you now have the irrevocable right to life! Nobody but us, your government, can take that away from you! By the way, we might call for a draft; you know, we still do have that 100-year war that we're going to fight against, uh... Asia? Venezuela? Was it... Africa? Oh yeah, Iran!! Whatever, wherever... When we call for you to die for your country, we expect you to exercise your right to... um... choose? Wait, scratch that last thing I said. Let's just keep it real: either you fight for us when we say or you get the electric chair. And I got five friends in black robes that say I'm the man, so I bet you won't trip.

That's all for now, but don't forget to come through next weekend for the 1st Annual Johnny Mac Car & Bike Show, featuring Cindy and Sarah's wet t-shirt competition, a free Mexican buffet and a live reggaeton/kickboxing performance by Daddy Yankee and Chuck Norris! We changed the game on these hoes!!

Oh, by the way, Senator Barack Obama has one car: a Ford Escape hybrid. American made and forward-thinking on energy and oil. Change we can see, starting at the top of the ticket.




The better question might be, what the hell does McCain need 13 cars for, anyway? When's the last time he took a driver's exam? I sure as hell don't want him driving ahead, behind or onside of my car; you know how those geezers drive. After he loses the election, I can only think of one type of car he needs to be driving. And yes, it's made for retirement.

T.O.C: BALLING IS DEAD

It finally started to appear today that the Democratic nominee and his running mate are ready to take the fight to the GOP, courtesy of the average American citizen. Why? Because Wall Street suffered a stroke yesterday, and has been hemmoraging uncontrollably ever since the bleeding began. Just the truth--the economy is completely dicked.


A.I.G., Countrywide, IndyMac, Merrill Lynch, Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and the list goes on... All of the banks who fell for the housing bubble fiasco and tied their anchors to the sub-prime Titanic have either crashed or fallen to government control. The government is having to bail these companies out of bankruptcy in order to avoid the alternative, which could very well be a total stock market meltdown. At the same time, oil refineries were barely touched during Hurricane Ike, but the oil barons are still allowing gas prices to remain unreasonably high right now because profits are sweet. Even as prices per barrel are falling, gas prices at the pump are not. Winter is coming, energy supplies are low and houses are now being repossessed like cars, as more and more people default on mortgage payments. And the economy lost 80k jobs in August.

It simply makes no sense how crazy everything is, yet we're seriously entertaining the debate on whether or not a Republikkkan belongs in the White House again.


Here's what Senator John McCain has said all year about the U.S. economy:




Here's Senator Barack Obama's speech today from Golden, CO:



And here's what his running mate said:




I'm not saying that Obama has all the answers, but he certainly seems to be ready to deal with the problem more aggressively. It's good to see that the guy is finding his formula as it relates to the message of his campaign. I won't lie; that "hope" and "change" rhetoric was starting to sound more like a pep rally speech than a plan. Specifics on issues are always a good idea. It is wack that it takes such odious national conditions to get people to see that there is a clear cut difference between the Democratic and GOP tickets.

I'm voting Obama-Biden because I don't want to live in a welfare state.